Uh...Um?

I think I've made a decision.

I'm not going to school anymore. I'm going to drop out and become a hobo and ride the rails and carry my belongings in a burlap sack. What? What did you say? It's not the 1930s anymore? Oh, you're right.

Can I just sleep for a couple years instead? No? Well how can I become less motivated? How to I get rid of my expectations for myself? How do I become this so-called "average" I've yet to witness at my school?

What? You mean I'm stuck this way?

Well what if I become pregnant and drop out? I'd still go to college? I would...oh no.

How do I become apathetic, Inner Michelle? You don't know?

Damn. School is tough.

Originally, it was once a week. There were three weeks. Easy enough, but forbid there be a forth.

But this time is different. Time refrains from being easily definable this this. You can't divide up the unknown, can you? Oh woe.

I Think I've Found my Rebellious Streak & Presents

Basically, I've found that breaking the rules is really fun. Not majorly breaking. Just risking a grounding or something. It's probably as rebellious as I'm going to get. Having people over when I'm not supposed to, skipping AP Lang homework, I'm just crazy! (mostly I'm just getting past my "I love homework" phase and back into being lazy.)

Oh, and I've been thinking about Christmas lately. I love the holidays, aside from my stupid relative (who will not be named). Nate and I were talking presents yesterday. Let's just say he knows more about duct tape that I ever will. But unfortunately, his birthday and Christmas are two weeks apart. Stupid proximity makes things confusing. (i.e., do I get one big present or two? etc.) Oh, and some people will be requiring birthday presents soon. I love present shopping. Yay!

Suspended Animation

I like my life, I do. I like my hometown, my family, my friends. But lately I've been feeling like I'm stuck in suspended animation and everything is in slow-mo. But it's not really. It's basically impossible to be in suspended animation and survive.

But I've been restless, and I just kinda want to skip ahead to college. Maybe my mom's annoying me more than normal, maybe it's the whole new found freedom thing with my license. But I want more freedom.

I've even looked at graduating early. Unfortunately, I can't graduate a year early, but a semester is possible.

But I think I need these two years still. I don't want them all that much right now, but I need them to prepare me for the outside world, to make big decisions about who I am and who I want to be.

I feel like I'm in suspended animation. But being animated will be good for me, like vitamins.

Questioning

In AP Lang we talked about a child's natural desire to learn, and whether school fosters it or crushes it. Personally, I suppose it depends on the child.

Me? Well...nothing can crush my curiosity.

My mother is nosy. And surprise surprise, so am I.

I have a curiosity of other people, myself, how we relate to each other in the world. I don't necessarily want to know about carbon polymers or factoring trinomials. I want to be the neighborhood busybody.

So if I ever ask a question that makes you feel uncomfortable, or is just weird, kindly (emphasis on kindly) tell me to shut up, and then move on with the conversation.

Thank you, that is all.

Work

Earlier today I was accused by my wonderful father of having no work ethic. I'm a sheltered suburban kid, of course my work ethic isn't going to be great in regards to physical labor and paying off a mortage or anything like that. I've never known what it feels like to be truly starving except on an unfortunate misadventure in Cozumel, and that hardly counts (12 hours people, not all that tragic.) I'm lucky, I know that. And on my better days with God, I thank Him.

But that's not the point.

I am privileged, I've never had to worry about losing the house or my brother being shot by a rival gang.

But don't you dare tell me I don't have a work ethic. Yeah, it's not physical labor or risking my life, or even working at McDonald's. But academically, I am capable of working my ass off, thank you very much.

No one put the ambitions in my head but me. And don't you dare try to tell me I can't work hard. Lazy is living off welfare when you can work and settling for poverty. Lazy is graduating with all Ds because you never tried (not due to low intelligence.) Lazy is sitting on your butt and watching your kids go hungry.

I have it easy. I'm not fighting the odds. Statistics say that since both my parents went to college, there's a good chance I'll graduate too. I'm not doomed to a life of poverty or trying to save myself.

But that doesn't mean that I don't try and help myself. I'm not coasting here. Some of it is luck, some environmental factors, but at the end of the day, it's me making myself actually do it.

When I'm still up way past midnight getting this make up work done, I hope I remember this. I have a work ethic, at least I think I do. I just need to prove it to myself.

Psht. Homecoming

Somehow I manage to always build things up in my head, and then the real experience never measures up to it.

This one was pretty damn good. I liked the football game too. I never like the football game! The after party was probably the best part. Maybe the after after party too. Except the stupid music. Miley Cyrus, twice!

I danced, I laughed, I ate, I was awkward, I posed for pictures, I took pictures, etc.

Then today I managed to walk six miles on five hours of sleep. I'm proud of myself. Oh, and did I mention that I have pneumonia? I won't be at school for a little bit. I missing the trial in Euro too!