The Reading Room

So I just spent three hours in the reading room, trying to avoid the orange elephant in the room (for Halloween!).  And then the other half of the awkward tension party left.  So I left.  I thought I left angst in high school.

I don't want to make all the first moves.  Well, the majority.  I don't like playing games.  Do I quit, or continue to possibly embarrass myself?

I'm not very good with the not having expectations thing. I came all the way here to enjoy Halloween weekend, and it's kinda a fail. My brother is dumping me with someone else. Last night wasn't that much fun. Tonight the girl I'm staying with doesn't even feel like going out.

I'm pissed. And I want to resolve my boy issues. I think my phone is going to die. I miss GVSU, actually. Well, maybe just the people there.

Uh....holy cow, what did I just do????  Last night, that is.  The only excuse I have was being tired.  Oh my goodness.

It's a good thing that I'm not very breakable.  Both literally and metaphorically.  It's been a tough week. 

Only left with bruises and empty spaces where those cretins were.

Thank gawd it's the weekend!

Uh oh...I just saw my mid-semester grades.  Time to start studying more...in all of my classes!

I Hate People

I'm not a big fan of socializing with a lot of people at once, unless I'm comfortable with most of them.  Tonight's soccer game was an absolute disaster.  We tied, that wasn't bad.  But I got a bloody nose in the first minute of the game, so I didn't come back into the half until we had eight minutes left.  I don't know if playing a man down is what made people mad, or the fact hat I had trouble focusing the rest of the game.  Regardless, there was a lot of yelling at me.  And when I listened to some of them, I did worse, because that's not how I normally play.

I don't know if I want to play again with them.  The boys are nice, but even they left me tonight.  Everyone walked away while I checked jerseys back in.

The thing is, I know of people that I could probably be good friends with. It's just a matter of somehow managing that.  And avoiding my old "friends," who happen to be in my room because of my roommate.

I knew I had a good reason for wanting a single.

Not A Normal Freshman

So I know it's normal for freshmen to not have a car on campus.  Many colleges don't even allow students to have cars their first year.  I don't have one.  That's the problem.

I've been getting homesick...a lot.  There are some times when I think "oh, I'll make it here all four years."  A lot of the time I just want to go home.

This week I needed a ride somewhere for a volunteer opportunity.  I had to find a ride.  At home if I need to ask a friend for a ride or a parent, it isn't that big of a deal.  But I don't know people as well here yet.  I don't know at what point I need to offer gas money.  I don't know if I can ask to borrow someone's car (especially since I just got into a car accident.  I actually am a good driver.). 

There are certain things I need a car for around here.  It takes two hours to get to the nearest mall by bus.  Driving is 20 minutes.  It takes an hour to get to the movie theater.  I have to do volunteering at some point for my major at the local schools.  The bus doesn't go anywhere near there.  I didn't bring my bike for fear of it being stolen.  My dad doesn't want to drive all the way out here to pick me up for weekends.  So I have to either take the bus home or find a ride.

I hate relying on other people.  So, so much.  I don't like asking new friends for favors like rides, even if I know that they aren't doing anything much instead.

The thought of not having a car leaves me panicky.  One of the ways I would calm myself was going on a drive and checking out the area I lived in.  Not eco-friendly, but it helped me to escape.  I have a new place to explore and no way to conveniently explore it.  I want a job.  What I can reach by bus and walking is limited.  Unless I want an hour ride.

When I miss home, I want to be able to know that I can go home whenever I want.  But...I can't.

I'm trying to give myself a year to get used to this school.  I'm almost a halfway through one semester, and I wonder if I can do it.