Pink.

Pink. by Luna_Moon featuring a canvas tote

What do you have to be depressed about?

I really hate when I get asked that question. Because the honest answer most days is nothing. My life is generally pretty good.

The concept that depression can be purely biological doesn't seem to click with most people. I mean, I haven't had anything too traumatic happen to me. People have survived much worse and come out fine.

The chemicals in my head are messed up. In the Dark Ages, they'd be concerned for my imbalance. Maybe I'd be bled. Or they'd want to get rid of one of my extra biles-whichever they suspected was the problem. But really, the isn't much wrong with me most days.

I prefer quiet and being alone. I miss the sun in the winter more than others. I get offended easier. I find dark humor funny because I know there's always been darker thoughts on my head. I want to withdraw and sleep. I can't sleep. It makes the pattern worse.

I like being social. I talk a lot. I'm overly confident and opinionated.

I question what I think. Sometimes my thoughts are that of someone crazy. My brain outrules my sense.

I realized today when I first considered that I could have depression. I was ten. It was the summer before fifth grade.

The funny thing? It was so much easier when I pretended that it didn't exist.

Now I have an excuse...where do the bad things about me stop and my mental disease begins?

I did something stupid.  I feel like doing stupid things.  Why is prom so stressful?  Why is there this stupid preoccupation with dates?  Maybe Emaline will go with me.

I don't know.  Boys suck.  Fine, one sucks.

Thank god Klaine is together.  That means that at least there's a little sense in the world.

I have a tendency to do what I want, instead of what's best for myself. Sometimes these things coincide, but they often don't.

In light of watching a very dramatic, but satisfying series finale of Greek, I know what I want. I think. It's just what makes me happy right now. It's comfortable. In a time when so much is changing, I am drawn towards that.

I want to draw again. And have springtime. And get excited about college and prom and my last spring as a high schooler. It's the healthiest romantic relationship I've been in. I miss my bad frisbee tosses and horror at the idea of him joining the military. I miss his family.

I don't miss losing part of my stubbornness in the process. I didn't like minimizing my political views (which are slowly leaning more moderate anyways). I don't really mind him being an asshole sometimes-it's fun when you're in on it.

Do I want him back? Yeah, I think I do. I like relationships. They keep me safe. They keep me alive. They give me moments to tell my grandchildren about. He keeps me happy.

(all typos a result of having typed this on my iPod)

My deepest thoughts and revelations seem to happen when I clean my room.  No wonder it doesn't happen very often.

I don't know what to do with this boy thing.  The circumstances have changed.  But I don't know if it'll make me happier.  Perhaps just more angsty.

Choices

Everyday, we have choices to make.  The important and the frivolous.  The rational and the stupid.
Here's to doing the stupider things in life.
Here's to being happy.

Boys, Boys, Boys

What's up with boys?  Seriously.
They're frustrating.  I hate being frustrated.  So why do I keep coming back?

On another note, I found a prom dress.  It's red.  I normally don't wear red, but I do love the dress.  I found another one, the same style but more of a purple.  I have it on hold.

I'm going to wear the red one to prom though.
And I'm probably going to prom with a date.
And I think I can predict what's going to happen there.
More on that another time.  Maybe you can guess yourself?

So, I'm actually going to do homework.  And then I'm going to work out.  And shower and go to bed early.  I will be a good girl.  Because I don't want to screw up life right now.  It's....intriguing.