A little attempt at free verse.

Pain doesn’t compare.
Joy doesn’t compare.
When you’re numb.
It’s like going through the world blind.
Or without a sense of
Touch, taste, sniff.
To feel nothing inside
To be buried so deep
And let that heal
Of trash pile up inside
To freeze
And then feel nothing.

Bring it back.
Something;
Pain, emotion, color.
Bring back something.
For I am senseless
In the darkened depths
The cold damp stony walls
Of my Cerebrum

I am...

• Mad because you let me down again. I'm gonna stop giving you chances. I hope. No, I promise.

• Glad that break is going nice and slow. Like Mia Francesca's apple tarts, it must be savored slowly.

• Afraid that I have become addicted to Trader Joe's chocolate cereal. It's amazing!

• Really, I want to yell at you right now. I just don't feel much emotion anymore. I just know that you deserve it.
  

What Everyone Needs (At least the Overanalytical)

Everyone needs something that they can obsess over when they need to distract themselves from obsessing about something else. Or just because they're bored. Especially the overanalytical (yes, it is a real word. because I say so). Mine just happens to be clothes.

I love clothes and jewelry and shoes and fashion and shopping. I don't necessarily have to be different than the whole fing world. I just want to have my niche, my style, things that I love that I can wear day after day that comfort me.

Clothes aren't just about a shirt. It's how they fit together with everything else. It's how I make an outfit fit my mood. Or make my mood fit my outfit (beneficial for cheering myself up).

I consider it an art form. But there are many things that are debatable as art. Which I'll save that discussion for another day.

I love the possibilities presented with clothes. If I want to be invisible one day, then damn, I will be. If I want to make myself happy, I wear something that has good memories with it.

I am not going to care what my friends wear (unless they are streaking, then I may comment), I'm not going to just them by the brand of their shoelaces (do shoelaces really have brands?), but I am going to make myself happy with them.

I know everyone has their little things that make them happy, like music, interior design, books, etc.

So...

Let me design outfits in my sketchbook. Let me shop when I don't need anything. Let me obsess. Let me be. Let it be.

Double the Trouble, Double the Fun

I am a twin. And as a twin, one goes through life (or at least childhood) being constantly compared. More so that normal siblings.

But me, I get the easy side of the comparisons. I am the smart twin. It's what the grades say, the standardized tests. The world believes it. But my brother and I know the truth. He's smart too.

He got a 21 on the PLAN. I got a 28. So the obvious opinion is to assume I'm smarter.

He's the one going off and reading history books when I read my chick lit. He's the one running 5:50 miles while I bitch about it on blogger.

The most unfair thing? He's classified as special ed by our school. Because he takes speech therapy. The big secret? I took it for three years too. I could probably still use it. But in his school record, there it is, SPECIAL EDUCATION. It doesn't affect your brain. It is an awkward development of the tongue. That's why words get pronounced funny sometimes. But that doesn't mean he's an idiot. He can be more driven than me sometimes, which is actually pretty impressive.

I hate getting our grades compared. Our standardized test scores. Our GPAs. Where we will get into college.

Because I will always win that. But if I didn't exist, if it was just my brother, he'd be doing better.

He'd be trying harder, getting more attention for his academics. I'm glad I got a C in Algebra II, it made me a little less inflated, and put him back up to my level.

For one day, I'd like to switch places. I'd love my brother to be praised for falling into what the "selective" colleges would like to see. Instead of my highly selective paling his.

You see, we are growing up in the same environment, the same time. It's not like the shadow of an older sibling who will always do better. It's not trying to be better than your smarter or faster or stronger younger sibling. It's both. You have no excuse. It's the same time, place, same genepool. It's not fair.

Twins, if anything are supposed to be equal. Too bad they aren't.

Chicago

I get to go to Chicago for a couple days this spring break. A year ago, it would've made me the happiest girl in the world. But oh, oh how things change in a year. Now I have different reasons and motives for wanting to go. With some of the same old ones.

What it says to me most is that I'm just getting better at manipulating my parents, and man that makes me feel like a spoiled bitch after a while. My mom didn't want to go last year, she thinks there's nothing for her to do there. After my motives, my first thoughts about it are that she's nuts. It's Chicago! There's a ton of stuff to do. And she hasn't even been in years, how does she know? What's so great about the random cities that she goes to?

Well screw that. I'll make sure she has a good time if it kills me. I have a couple other times I'll have to go, so she might as well have some damn fun. I just wish my Grandma and uncle didn't have to be included. Sigh.

UMMA!!

UMMA= University of Michigan Museum of Art

So I went to the reopening of UMMA last night to the public. Since my aunt is the construction manager type thingie for U of M, I also got a tour of campus. And if there's anything that'll get me to keep my grades up, it's that. My goodness, I kinda love it there. There was a car with a tree scuplture on top of it. But that was just like a random thing. But it was really cool.

And I loved how all the stores and restaurants are intermixed with campus. Plus, I suppose I got to see/know a little more than most people about things, since my aunt kept talking about how some guy donated $7 million because he didn't like the lighting in a building and such. It's all really cool. The campus is such a mix of old and new buildings. Think like, old Ivy League buildings and modern glass structures everywhere. It's awesome.

And even the college students I liked. There was a diverse mixture, and they seem more mature. Well, some of them. And I'm glad to know the fraternities and sororities are kinda just in a certain area. Because...yuck.

To make my point, I'm in love with U of M. UMMA is pretty damn cool too. We made jewelry with all these 6 year olds, and watch hip hop dancing, and saw cool Buddhas. I think I'd like to go bad when there are less old people who think they are the next Picasso or whatever. Or at least less eighty year olds with tied dyed pink pants and fur coats...WHOA. Kinda scary.

But this is exactly why I have to tour some other colleges. So I know what I'm in love with most. I'll do that in Chicago.

I want it to rain

I want it to rain, I want it to pour.
I want to see spring instead of that whore.
Winter, you trashy beast
Don't come back
You aren't wanted anymore
We want spring and green
Moss and sheen
Shiny, puddle topped pavement
Give me mud-lots of it!
And rainbows too.
Let me wear dresses again
-I want a blue
Sky, lake, pond

Spring please come,
But stay a long, long while.
Because I have this ache
In my bones,
This fear in my heart,
Of what this summer brings.