Best Friend

My history with best friends is complicated.  My preschool wasn't even in my hometown, so I can't claim that I went to preschool with anyone that I know now.  In elementary school, I didn't really have one.  My friends were mostly who were in my classes and my Girl Scout troop.  But I wouldn't necessarily stay close to one girl for a long time.

But Natsuki moved here from Japan in third grade.  She was my next door neighbor.  I figured since we lived next door, we'd have to be best friends.  In the books, kids best friends always lived across the street or next door.  I read a lot of books, possibly why I lacked in the best friend area.

Originally, the problem was that she didn't speak English.  But we got through the language barrier quick enough and I suppose to some extent became best friends.  Through the years until she moved when we were in seventh grade, we called ourselves best friends, but I don't know exactly if we were until maybe seventh.

Those were the years that I went through my initial dealings with depression and I wasn't exactly a nice person. (Psh, like I am now.)

But we also got close to the girls that I currently call my best friends.  Bridget, Alyssa, and Dayna.  The five of us all lived in the same sub and had known each other since elementary.  Throughout the remainder of middle school and all of high school, I have called these girls my best friends.  There have been additions to the group, but they never lasted that long.  It was just the four of us.

We aren't the most alike, but we know each others' histories.  I can really tell them everything.  It was when my behavior got out of control that I finally went into therapy for depression.  I got help because I was driving them away by being a bitch.

But it can be difficult being best friends with people so different than you.  We've always been busy with different activities and it can be difficult to see each other.  College has made it harder.

It's times like this when I question the label of a "best friend."  They aren't necessarily the first person whom I turn to anymore with my college issues.  Nor do they know every aspect of my life anymore.

I love them to death.  I trust them so much.  But the reality is, how much have our differences and distance from each other affected our friendship?  Is "best friend" just a term that gets used too much, like "I love you"?

Lessons Learned, Opposite Feelings

This summer was supposed to be my last summer at camp. It was always going to be the streaky faced goodbyes and emptiness.

But I've never felt so full. I had a camp experience free of drama and boy troubles. I have memories and pictures and friends. It was my perfect ending, but it also made me realize that I'd be welcome to come back as staff next year.

I learned that I can draw people again. I have my fitness and my klutziness back. I feel much more whole than before camp, I guess it's because camp is a place where I've been bad and I've been good. Some old qualities are falling back into place.

I fell out of love at camp this year. I relearned myself without that boy and the ones before him.

Everything I thought was a big deal won't be in the long run. I have time to plan futures, travel the world, meet people. For right now, I have time to be myself. Not obsess about the future.

Be myself. <3

I'm Curious

I've been thinking about this maybe a whole thirty seconds, but I can't help wondering what it is like in other people's heads.

Yes, there are many people that speak their thoughts. But being in their heads would be different. Knowing their memories and emotions and why they are thinking the thoughts they are.

Of course, I won't necessarily ever be able to really know what it's like. Unless reincarnation is real, and then I guess I'd still be me. So that doesn't count. But I have a theory. Perhaps if you know someone well enough, or you find someone similar enough to your own mind, you will have a pretty good reason of understanding them. Or if you just find someone who talks a hell of a lot and you pay close enough attention.

I've come close to really knowing the mind of one other person, and still there is so much I do not know. And that I probably never will. But I hope that I know at least the most important things.

Details are important too of course, but knowing why someone chooses to eat peanut butter and pickle sandwiches over peanut butter and potato chip seems slightly less important than why they want to be able to travel to space or make up with their mother. But that's just my opinion.

This is my goal before I die. To understand at least some of the great minds around me.