Cleaning Gives Me Sucidial Thoughts

But so do several other things. It's not like I'm depressed I think. Just happy with a dash of suicide. I can't understand why really. I honestly DO like my life. Sure, I could have a better shoe collection and have a higher SAT score, but honestly I think I'm doing okay for myself. And life has been pretty good to me.

So why do I keep being so happy for a while, and then "POOF!" something happens a couple hours later and then, no more happy. It's like some things that I used to find boring, not insufferable and horrible, just boring, I start fantasizing about dying? I suppose this isn't very normal. But I've never been all that normal. It's like with Bella in Twilight (sorry Andrea), my brain just doesn't seem to work like most people's.

It's just what I do. It's probably not right. I should probably see a therapist or something. But these kinds of thoughts have been happening since (shudder) 5th grade (shudder). That was not a good year for me, to say the least. It's probably the root of the problem and blah blah blah and I could pay some psychoanalyst thousands to figure out how to fix it all.

There. Now at least it's out there for the world to know. My private thoughts are quite dark. I have occasional fantasies about killing myself, how I'd do it, and what the hell my funeral would be like. Only I don't think I could ever do that to my parents, family, and friends. It would hurt at least some of them way too much.

I'd never actually do it. But I think it's good to know what's going on in my head.