But so do several other things. It's not like I'm depressed I think. Just happy with a dash of suicide. I can't understand why really. I honestly DO like my life. Sure, I could have a better shoe collection and have a higher SAT score, but honestly I think I'm doing okay for myself. And life has been pretty good to me.
So why do I keep being so happy for a while, and then "POOF!" something happens a couple hours later and then, no more happy. It's like some things that I used to find boring, not insufferable and horrible, just boring, I start fantasizing about dying? I suppose this isn't very normal. But I've never been all that normal. It's like with Bella in Twilight (sorry Andrea), my brain just doesn't seem to work like most people's.
It's just what I do. It's probably not right. I should probably see a therapist or something. But these kinds of thoughts have been happening since (shudder) 5th grade (shudder). That was not a good year for me, to say the least. It's probably the root of the problem and blah blah blah and I could pay some psychoanalyst thousands to figure out how to fix it all.
There. Now at least it's out there for the world to know. My private thoughts are quite dark. I have occasional fantasies about killing myself, how I'd do it, and what the hell my funeral would be like. Only I don't think I could ever do that to my parents, family, and friends. It would hurt at least some of them way too much.
I'd never actually do it. But I think it's good to know what's going on in my head.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Nothing to do at school
Well, I've finally found a site that the school doesn't block. Blogger! And since I really don't want to write an essay for my film class right now, I won't.
I have to write it about this Western movie, Shane, I honestly am not a fan. It's a good movie, but it's so sexist. All the girls and women, they do nothing. Except make meals and shriek when a gun goes off. I love the horses in it though. And the mountains are pretty. Other than that, the gun toting manly men just get into fights instead of talking. They just walk into the saloon, stare each other down, and break chairs on each others' heads. Which is actually pretty funny to watch after a while.
Regardless, don't watch it. It's stupid. But it's realistic of the time period (post Civil War 19th century) I guess. Just really glad I don't live in it. I'd be more suicidal.
I have to write it about this Western movie, Shane, I honestly am not a fan. It's a good movie, but it's so sexist. All the girls and women, they do nothing. Except make meals and shriek when a gun goes off. I love the horses in it though. And the mountains are pretty. Other than that, the gun toting manly men just get into fights instead of talking. They just walk into the saloon, stare each other down, and break chairs on each others' heads. Which is actually pretty funny to watch after a while.
Regardless, don't watch it. It's stupid. But it's realistic of the time period (post Civil War 19th century) I guess. Just really glad I don't live in it. I'd be more suicidal.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
How Much is a Dollar, Really?
At school, I was talking to some friends about where they go shopping. And I was also thinking about where I shop. And our different reactions, because we all have a general idea of the prices of most stores. And I have to say...WTF.
I know Novi is supposed to be all those "dumb, spoiled rich brats." But how many of us are really like that? And teenagers, -no people, in general can be critical of how much money you spend on things, regardless of how little or much they have personally.
I have to say, I have a skewed view of money. My parents have told to me about my family's finances. I roughly know what my parents make. I also know the average household for Novi, or at least what it was before the recession and everything. My family was pretty much dead average then. I won't comment on where we fall now. All I will say is that my parents have been great to me. They know how to say no, but they also indulge me a bit. I think this may be where my skewed view comes in.
I see my money piling up in my wallet when I earn it from my job working for my dad. And I think, "wow, every dollar does make a difference." But then, when I shop with my parents, I suppose I disregard the value of a dollar well... quite a lot. I can't help thinking about my friend's reaction today. That I would dare shop at [certain store here], because she feels guilty doing that when her mom takes her shopping. Well, after thinking about that, it made me mad. Yes, she and I are different, and our families are different. She doesn't know how the prices I spend on things are in relation to my family's money, or lack of.
I just wish people wouldn't jump to conclusions so much. I...well...I won't say much more. I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about all this. And, hell, I think about myself way too much. But...what I spend on a pair of shoes to me is reasonable. To some, it's outrageous, to others, it's chump change.
I'm...I'm really mad right now. And I really don't get mad. I'm don't want to be judged on numbers. Numbers that don't mean anything. 100 years from now? Test scores? Yes. Shoe prices? No. My resolution for Lent? Not to judge by someone's financial situation anymore. And I'm sorry if I do. But I'm not apologizing for shopping at American Eagle! :P
I know Novi is supposed to be all those "dumb, spoiled rich brats." But how many of us are really like that? And teenagers, -no people, in general can be critical of how much money you spend on things, regardless of how little or much they have personally.
I have to say, I have a skewed view of money. My parents have told to me about my family's finances. I roughly know what my parents make. I also know the average household for Novi, or at least what it was before the recession and everything. My family was pretty much dead average then. I won't comment on where we fall now. All I will say is that my parents have been great to me. They know how to say no, but they also indulge me a bit. I think this may be where my skewed view comes in.
I see my money piling up in my wallet when I earn it from my job working for my dad. And I think, "wow, every dollar does make a difference." But then, when I shop with my parents, I suppose I disregard the value of a dollar well... quite a lot. I can't help thinking about my friend's reaction today. That I would dare shop at [certain store here], because she feels guilty doing that when her mom takes her shopping. Well, after thinking about that, it made me mad. Yes, she and I are different, and our families are different. She doesn't know how the prices I spend on things are in relation to my family's money, or lack of.
I just wish people wouldn't jump to conclusions so much. I...well...I won't say much more. I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about all this. And, hell, I think about myself way too much. But...what I spend on a pair of shoes to me is reasonable. To some, it's outrageous, to others, it's chump change.
I'm...I'm really mad right now. And I really don't get mad. I'm don't want to be judged on numbers. Numbers that don't mean anything. 100 years from now? Test scores? Yes. Shoe prices? No. My resolution for Lent? Not to judge by someone's financial situation anymore. And I'm sorry if I do. But I'm not apologizing for shopping at American Eagle! :P
Already Written in the Stars
The URL for my blog means something to me. I believe that on some level, either by God, fate, ourselves, or some other force, our destinies are already written out. Yes, they can change, but there's something or someone out there that ultimately already knows whats going to happen, at least roughly. Depending on the day, mood I'm in, or what is going on in my life, I don't always believe it's God doing this. But I always, always believe in fate. I think our lives have literally been written, or spelled out somewhere in the universe. The details aren't there. Our lives are a rough sketch until we live out the details. I believe that ultimately, we are already written in the stars, whether we like it or not.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
To Be Scared...
It's just driving me nuts that I haven't fully grasped how to do everything on blogger. A couple years ago, I had a blog on Xanga, and I figured it out easily, even at 10. Man, I loved that freaking blog too. I had it for four years, and I really wish that I imported the thing instead of just deleting it, but hey, I still have my journals and sketchbooks from the time, so it isn't as if I totally lost what was going on it my mine back then.
Sometimes I just wish I could have every thought and experience in my brain that I wanted on paper. I wish I could plug a cord in my brain like they do in the Matrix, and just print it all out.
It terrifies the hell out of me that I could forget important things. I want to remember my first kiss, first attempts at blogging, my first...everything. I have so many ways of leaving a record for myself so I won't forget that it's a little nutso.
I am so scared that I'll make the wrong decision about things. I've been getting all this crazy college mail, and I just...WHOA. There's many options of things I could study, schools, it's just so much. I have the option of going to college, when there's so many women in the world who can't read. it makes me proud. It also makes me proud how many colleges want me based on my PSAT scores. But it's so much pressure at the same time. I'm expected to do well on the ACT and the SAT so I can actually get into these schools. Ditto on a good GPA. How do I get a good GPA when I suck at math? Most teenagers have all this crazy pressure. But I really don't know what their experiences with it are. All I really know is that I'm terrified, horrified, and shaking in my riding boots.
Of course...there's this next one that's going to make me like a shallow bitch. But, maybe that's who I am. I'm scared of making the wrong decision with this boy thing. Actually...I think I know. I just...wow...thinking out loud here, I guess. I'm just going to put the question out there, even though no one will really know what I'm talking about. Nate or Josh?
Sometimes I just wish I could have every thought and experience in my brain that I wanted on paper. I wish I could plug a cord in my brain like they do in the Matrix, and just print it all out.
It terrifies the hell out of me that I could forget important things. I want to remember my first kiss, first attempts at blogging, my first...everything. I have so many ways of leaving a record for myself so I won't forget that it's a little nutso.
- I have saved emails from third grade, hell I still have the same email account from then!
- Ditto on IM logs
- I have thousands of pictures and videos taken
- I've gone through tons of notebooks
- I still have my doodles and sketches from years ago
I am so scared that I'll make the wrong decision about things. I've been getting all this crazy college mail, and I just...WHOA. There's many options of things I could study, schools, it's just so much. I have the option of going to college, when there's so many women in the world who can't read. it makes me proud. It also makes me proud how many colleges want me based on my PSAT scores. But it's so much pressure at the same time. I'm expected to do well on the ACT and the SAT so I can actually get into these schools. Ditto on a good GPA. How do I get a good GPA when I suck at math? Most teenagers have all this crazy pressure. But I really don't know what their experiences with it are. All I really know is that I'm terrified, horrified, and shaking in my riding boots.
Of course...there's this next one that's going to make me like a shallow bitch. But, maybe that's who I am. I'm scared of making the wrong decision with this boy thing. Actually...I think I know. I just...wow...thinking out loud here, I guess. I'm just going to put the question out there, even though no one will really know what I'm talking about. Nate or Josh?
Break Coming and Going
So it's the last real day of break, and what have I really accomplished? Not anything substance.
I love the music. I'm not really an indiesh person, because I'm too lazy to look most of the time. But now, I'm thinking I really need to. As I have a dozen new bands I must explore.
- I failed miserably at my promise to myself to study for Quiz Bowl. (I suppose I'll do that tomorrow, or else I'm so failing the next quiz.)
- I actually worked out like twice. Once involving falling off a treadmill (not that first time this has happened).
- I fell in love with some art books at Borders (which I sadly have no money to buy)
- I have convinced my mom I'm the worst driver ever. (She keeps distracting me)
- And finally, that I still am unable to make a freaking decision. My one goal, to end break with at least a rough idea of what I want. But do I? Of course not.
I love the music. I'm not really an indiesh person, because I'm too lazy to look most of the time. But now, I'm thinking I really need to. As I have a dozen new bands I must explore.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I Have An Astigmatism , I could die!
So...I think I'm certifiably insane. Not that there's really anything wrong with that. It's just that the general population seems to think that the insane should be in a mental hospital or something. Me? I'm just fine functioning on a day to day basis, but there's just something about me sometimes. I have thoughts that are so nutso and behave so weird that it just makes me wonder. It's like, I know what I should do logically, but I do something else, making everything go havoc.
Like, today I found out that I have an astigmatism in my eye, which just means my eyes are slightly funkier shaped than most. But, over a weird course of events, I end up going home and yelling in a rather insane manner to "Leave me alone! I have an astigmatism! I could be dying,". Yes. A little odd, I think. But whatever.
I think I need a shrink, since I like the idea of having someone to tell everything to. So, from now on, I guess I have my shrink, Dr. Blog. Anyway. Yeahs...so, bye!
Like, today I found out that I have an astigmatism in my eye, which just means my eyes are slightly funkier shaped than most. But, over a weird course of events, I end up going home and yelling in a rather insane manner to "Leave me alone! I have an astigmatism! I could be dying,". Yes. A little odd, I think. But whatever.
I think I need a shrink, since I like the idea of having someone to tell everything to. So, from now on, I guess I have my shrink, Dr. Blog. Anyway. Yeahs...so, bye!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Miserabelle Decisions
I am not apparently a very active blogger, but w/e. I've made dozens of posts...in my head.
But there is one that needs to get out there. I'm currently wrestling with a bit of a decision. Should I choose myself over others? I'm in an activity where I'm currently hating it, it's taking over my life, I'm developing an irrational phobia, and I'm constantly hurting myself. But it's also just for another seven weeks. And the other people in it would have to fix a lot of things if I quit. Do I suck it up, or quit before I go nuts?
But there is one that needs to get out there. I'm currently wrestling with a bit of a decision. Should I choose myself over others? I'm in an activity where I'm currently hating it, it's taking over my life, I'm developing an irrational phobia, and I'm constantly hurting myself. But it's also just for another seven weeks. And the other people in it would have to fix a lot of things if I quit. Do I suck it up, or quit before I go nuts?
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