Whine Alert.

First of all I'd like to make an apology. I'm sorry that it came around in your head that I was whining. I have complaints about you too, but I don't post them on my blog. Well...occasionally. In my mind, I was merely pointing it out. She took it in good humor, it was just mentioned. When I whine, it is glaring so! Forgive me Your Royal Highness, for it seems I have upset your capricious little heart. Applause all around for having the cajones to say that.

But thankfully, that really didn't put a damper on my mood. Because I'm used to having ups and downs with people, I suppose. Plus, that's just her, she's not afraid to say what she wants. I can't believe I'm defending her now, but w/e, she brings interest to my lunchtime at least. But more so, I had a really, really, really, good day. Quiz Bowl, new Bones, seeing some friends that I've been missing, and getting my something all apply here. Plus, it it Thursday. Which needs no further explanation.
<3

Breathe

Lately it seems that I have forgotten how to breathe. I'm too preoccupied with other things. So much that I'm not even so boycrazy anymore. I'm just...crazy. Which may be better.

I can't relax anymore. If I'm happy, then I skip down the halls of school and I smile a lot. And then, I just crash and fall asleep. I fell asleep watching The Godfather. Who does that? Fake blood and gunshots lulled me to sleep.

I refuse to believe all of this is my fault. I blame puberty and hormones. Those damn hormones. Turning me into a happier, crazier version of myself.

Anywho, it's almost time for seminar. So....squee!

Gotta Love the Irony Folks

I love irony in life. It makes things funny. At least for me. I started thinking about it, and it is a damn long list. But then again, some of these are just opposites:

• My mom the observant nurse misses things like where her shoes are.
• I've been missing my straightener for months because a friend borrowed it-whose hair is now too short to actually USE it.
• How cocky I act to hide varying (often low) levels of self esteem.
• How I can be so book smart, but miss obvious things.
• How I love that I don't have any irrational fears. Except for the fear of developing one.
• That I hate really, really crappy writing, but I'm addicted to it anyways.
• How many people go to church every Sunday not believing
• How many child molesters are "stand-up" citizens
• How open minded America is supposed to be now with a black President. (Then why is "gay" and "retarded" still used negatively?)
• That I go into things knowing what will happen, then let myself do it anyways.
• My brother is afraid of being called gay, doesn't talk to girls, and spends more time on his hair than I do.
• That I hate stereotyping, but totally use it for the rah-rah girls and ugh! boys.
  
• That I want stiletto heels, but can't walk long distances in them (more than 20 yards).
• That I'm terrified of becoming old, but I'm always counting down to the next big thing in my life.
• That what I want now is attainable, but I'm too chicken to go for it.
• That I'm crazy, but I still haven't bothered to call up a shrink.
  

Maybe I'm just a hypocrite, because most of these are about me. But if I am, then the rest of the world is going down with me. Doublethink, anyone?

Ode to Saturday

Saturday, dear Saturday you're really awesome. I love you. You let me sleep. You get me out of school. You give me time to have fun. You (sometimes) bring good weather. And most of all, you bring me together with my friends and family. If you were a person, Saturday, you'd be the perfect friend.

(Basically, I love Saturdays, they're awesome. I wish the entire week was Saturday. But then, I suppose it would take away its specialness.)

Have a great rest of the weekend, folks!

Vonnegut

I stumbled upon dear old Vonnegut last year when I needed a book for English. A delightful boy at Borders introduced us, but I was skeptical. Should I trust such a colorful cover in my quest for satire? But Delightful Boy was right, and our love affair was unexpected, but great. Dear Vonnegut kept me happy in bed all night long...reading.

Then, Mother Night grew tired of us, and daybreak came. Other suitors came, with their dust jackets bright and shiny. They drew me away from dear Vonnegut and off to other places that were quite like my own. Not as cynical, but they couldn't make me laugh the way he did.

I ran into him again in my own school, and he relieved me of my boredom once again. A little wit, a little nonsense to make it all better. And now we're off. Back into the whirlwind of a romance, spending hours outside together laying in the grass. Oh, how nice to be back.

When Gambling...

When gambling be careful not to risk everything. Some things are too precious to be taken lightly. Man...I need to stop this impulsiveness, huh?

Giving up, Giving In

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't get too mushy all over the entries, because I have a tendency to do this. But I'm giving in for today.

I miss you goddamnit, and I don't know how to tell you. Why can't you do this for me?

<3

Miss-Will-iam

I Miss...

• summer (camp, no school, pedicures, flip flops, swimming, traveling, camp friends)
• Natsuki (best friend, Japan, long distance)
• myself (irrationally happy, shopaholic, creative, nerdy, irrational, lazy, selfish, fun loving)

I Will...

• get all of the above back very soon.

I Am...

• scared
• excited
• nervous
• anxious
• ready
• happy

Here I am, Miss William. Here I am.

Attack of the Family

There are currently four people in my house that do not live there. They came with swiftness, eating our food and installing a new toilet. Yet, now they remain. They interrogate about college and have strange naked woman bumper stickers on their vans. They abhor church and are too busy paying off their motorcycles anyways. They wear Harley gear from all over the country. They prefer pop and pizza to milk and salad. This is my extended family. Like me they are not. But I tolerate, and sometimes even like them. They keep me from Quiz Bowl, and yet, it is okay.

Alien or not, I can relate to them. Sexist bumper stickers or not. Family is family, and blood is thicker than water. I guess.

Rules are Made to be Broken

I've never given myself a set of rules to live by. Not permanent ones anyway. I suppose there are the basic ones like not killing your neighbor and eating their dog and stuff like that, but I think that's kind of a given. Maybe that's why I have such a problem with the Commandments and religion. To me, if He really is an ever loving God, then why would he care how I live my life as long as I'm happy and not harming other creations? I suppose I get it, but some of the inferences from the Bible are dumb. I'm not going to go to hell if I become a lesbian. And certainly not if I take the Pill instead of having ten kids (no offense to those that want that many).

I don't get along well with rules that affect how I personally live my life. School has rules, society has laws, those I'm okay with. But when someone starts telling me what to do, things get more sticky. I have a mouth, a lot of people say. Some tend to use some more colorful words before mouth. Maybe it's just because what they are suggesting is stupid/nonsensical/racist/sexist.

End of story, I'm not going to listen, at least not without offering my opinion on it. Leave me alone, or put up with my mouth. It's been with me for 16 years, and it's not going away any time soon.

QB Summer Camp

A Quiz Bowl Camp. I had no idea such thing even exists. Well, I guess I did. But it didn't really occur to me. I may go, to the one in June in Missouri so my mom can visit her family I dunno. I already have a lot of things going on. And then Costa Rica. Okay, unless I come up with the money myself, maybe not.

Anyone else thinking about it?

So I Found...

Many eggs at Easter. Because they are awesome, and I love them. And I kicked my cousins' asses! Yay.

I found a website. Kinda like Threadless, but for bags. And it looks pretty cool too. Bagstab!

Other than that, I'm just waiting out this scheduling issues. I don't understand how three elementary schools got millions for additions when the entire district is millions in debt now. Well, actually I do know, it is a special mileage that was passed. But it still seems so stupid. I want to be on the Board of Ed. Or there should at least be a student rep on it. Or a teacher or something. They're all old, I don't think they know what's best anymore.

(Trying to Find) The Good in Good Friday

So I didn't wake up thinking "oh, it's Good Friday! Yipee!" like it was Christmas or something. In fact, I didn't even remember it was Good Friday until my mom reminded me that we had to go to church. In all honesty, I keep forgetting about Easter too.

I don't understand the "good" part of the name. I mean really, what is good about Jesus being killed? Sure, the being saved for our sins and stuff is pretty great, but his actual death? Not so much. Besides, the celebration comes on Easter. So maybe it's just "good grief Friday". "Good grief, why is he being killed?" I don't know. I don't understand it.

And then today, itself wasn't that great of a day. Maybe it was good in the aspects that the three hour church service went by fairly fast because I was using these books we got that were in English and Spanish to translate the words between the two languages. One of the Spanish names for God is actually el Señor. And the Pope is el Papa. Which, to me, is kinda interesting. Funny how things get changed in the translation, isn't it?

The Facebook Family

I just created a facebook...for my mom. Who doesn't really understand the concept of it anyways.

But then, I started looking up family on Facebook, and I was amazed to see how many had them. And I noticed different generations connecting more so than I ever had with some of my adult relatives. Some which I've never either gotten to meet.

But it makes me wonder if my adult cousins (who are technically the same generation as me) are closer to my aunts and uncles and stuff because they have Facebook, or just because they're closer in age?

Aside from my brother, I am the youngest grandchild on my mom's side of the family, and I never felt like that meant I was any different. But the next oldest grandkid is now 24, and married with two kids. It makes me wonder what would be different if I was in her place. What if I was Facebook friends with those relatives? Would we be at all closer? It'd be nice to know, I think.

Return from Chi-town

So I'm back. From Chicago. And I don't think I can handle paragraphs today. So let's try bullets!

• I'm really liking Loyola University. I was a little surprised.
• The city of Chicago is better than I gave them credit for.
• I saw Oprah at the Chicago Institute of Art.
• I went to church with the French members of the IOC (International Olympic Committee).
• I think it would be amazing to be a member of the IOC. (Where do I sign up?)
  
• I found an amazing art supply store (BLICK) across the street from my hotel. That alone is enough reason to go back there.
• Even better, there's a BLICK in Dearborn! Yay!
• I'm starting to give myself a little bit more credit, and it feels good.
• I have decided that I'm okay with spending all my money on art supplies and beading stuff.
• I never got to see Northwestern, or U of Chicago.
• Which means I'm gonna be back there within the next year. Squee!
  

A little attempt at free verse.

Pain doesn’t compare.
Joy doesn’t compare.
When you’re numb.
It’s like going through the world blind.
Or without a sense of
Touch, taste, sniff.
To feel nothing inside
To be buried so deep
And let that heal
Of trash pile up inside
To freeze
And then feel nothing.

Bring it back.
Something;
Pain, emotion, color.
Bring back something.
For I am senseless
In the darkened depths
The cold damp stony walls
Of my Cerebrum

I am...

• Mad because you let me down again. I'm gonna stop giving you chances. I hope. No, I promise.

• Glad that break is going nice and slow. Like Mia Francesca's apple tarts, it must be savored slowly.

• Afraid that I have become addicted to Trader Joe's chocolate cereal. It's amazing!

• Really, I want to yell at you right now. I just don't feel much emotion anymore. I just know that you deserve it.
  

What Everyone Needs (At least the Overanalytical)

Everyone needs something that they can obsess over when they need to distract themselves from obsessing about something else. Or just because they're bored. Especially the overanalytical (yes, it is a real word. because I say so). Mine just happens to be clothes.

I love clothes and jewelry and shoes and fashion and shopping. I don't necessarily have to be different than the whole fing world. I just want to have my niche, my style, things that I love that I can wear day after day that comfort me.

Clothes aren't just about a shirt. It's how they fit together with everything else. It's how I make an outfit fit my mood. Or make my mood fit my outfit (beneficial for cheering myself up).

I consider it an art form. But there are many things that are debatable as art. Which I'll save that discussion for another day.

I love the possibilities presented with clothes. If I want to be invisible one day, then damn, I will be. If I want to make myself happy, I wear something that has good memories with it.

I am not going to care what my friends wear (unless they are streaking, then I may comment), I'm not going to just them by the brand of their shoelaces (do shoelaces really have brands?), but I am going to make myself happy with them.

I know everyone has their little things that make them happy, like music, interior design, books, etc.

So...

Let me design outfits in my sketchbook. Let me shop when I don't need anything. Let me obsess. Let me be. Let it be.

Double the Trouble, Double the Fun

I am a twin. And as a twin, one goes through life (or at least childhood) being constantly compared. More so that normal siblings.

But me, I get the easy side of the comparisons. I am the smart twin. It's what the grades say, the standardized tests. The world believes it. But my brother and I know the truth. He's smart too.

He got a 21 on the PLAN. I got a 28. So the obvious opinion is to assume I'm smarter.

He's the one going off and reading history books when I read my chick lit. He's the one running 5:50 miles while I bitch about it on blogger.

The most unfair thing? He's classified as special ed by our school. Because he takes speech therapy. The big secret? I took it for three years too. I could probably still use it. But in his school record, there it is, SPECIAL EDUCATION. It doesn't affect your brain. It is an awkward development of the tongue. That's why words get pronounced funny sometimes. But that doesn't mean he's an idiot. He can be more driven than me sometimes, which is actually pretty impressive.

I hate getting our grades compared. Our standardized test scores. Our GPAs. Where we will get into college.

Because I will always win that. But if I didn't exist, if it was just my brother, he'd be doing better.

He'd be trying harder, getting more attention for his academics. I'm glad I got a C in Algebra II, it made me a little less inflated, and put him back up to my level.

For one day, I'd like to switch places. I'd love my brother to be praised for falling into what the "selective" colleges would like to see. Instead of my highly selective paling his.

You see, we are growing up in the same environment, the same time. It's not like the shadow of an older sibling who will always do better. It's not trying to be better than your smarter or faster or stronger younger sibling. It's both. You have no excuse. It's the same time, place, same genepool. It's not fair.

Twins, if anything are supposed to be equal. Too bad they aren't.