I Feel Content

It finally feels like senior year.  And I feel like myself.  My sophomore, junior self, minus some of the depression.  I feel pretty good right now.

Maybe it's because Thanksgiving is almost here and soon, Christmas.

Maybe it's because I'm excited about college.

But maybe?  I'm just happy.

I know where I want to be next year.  I'm happy about college.  I'm not stressing over the small things.  And I know at the very least that I have a great back up school.

Some little things have changed in my life.  I'm back to some old behaviors.  But old isn't always bad.  It's predictable, I know how I'll feel about things.  And I've accepted that whatever happens, will happen.

I have one foot in the old, one in the new.  How long before I get to do the splits?

(Oh, and I remember why I used to love HP now!!!  Fanfiction time.  Care to recommend any?)

Gilmore Girls

I'm writing my main common app essay about Gilmore Girls.
It might be silly, but it has seriously been influencial for me.
And far more real than writing about 1984 or Middlesex.

I'm writing about TV for an essay that could determine my admission to my dream college.

I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
But at least it'll be original.

I don't know if you like Oprah, but I personally do.  And I've heard a lot of things about how amazing she is and what she's survived and done and whatnot.

Somehow, she still ended up alone.  At least, in the conventional sense.

Does it really have to be that way?

One or the other?  I wonder.

I hope not.

Hmm. Hypocrisy Much?

So my school's October issue of the student newspaper came out yesterday.  And there was  an article that caught my eye in it, which criticized the revealing Halloween costumes of teenagers.  So I took a glance at the byline, wondering if the writer was actually genuine in his/her opinion.  After I saw her name, I had doubts about what she had written immediately, but tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  I figured that sooner or later, her Halloween costume would pop up on my newsfeed on Facebook.

Well, it did.  And it certainly isn't the sluttyish costume of the bunch, but I hardly call daisy dukes with a see through tank top (complete with bra half showing out of the shirt) conservative.

And I mean...if she really believed what she wrote, wouldn't she have covered up at least a little bit?
Oh well.  Since when do people actually do what they say anymore?

An Ode to a Grecian Urn...Named Samantha

Someone okay told me that I need to blog again. She/he brings up an important point.
 So here's what's going on:

• I hate college apps.
• I miss Emaline.
• Samantha misses Emaline.
• I like gym. I would take it again.
• My ear is itchy.
• Why don't I get more sleep?

Okay. That's enough for right now. We don't want to get crazy or anything. Now I get to nap. Cool beans. <3

A List.

I'm bored and I haven't blogged in a while.  So why not do something cliche?

So here's a list of things about me that you didn't know.  Well...some people might know some, but you get the idea.

• It's been a year since I spent a couple weeks in Japan.  I still refuse to eat Japanese food (we didn't get along well).
• I love baby carrots.  To the tune of eating 2lb. bags of them at once love.
• I lie about my middle name. 
• I need to start my QB summer work.
• I cannot properly go up stairs right now (field hockey).
• I've had my chest x-rayed seven times (because I've had pneumonia three times).
• My computer is broken.  So I'm hanging out at the library, like Samantha does.
• I left my mom's Tupperware container at Emaline's (I should get it.  Before, ya know, she MOVES)
• I don't know if I want to play field hockey this year.  But I think I might anyways.
• My decision making skills are terrible.
• I think it'd be awesome to do something creative for a job, all day, every (week) day.
• I'm tired.  I'm going to go crash now.

Hi, My Name is Luna and...

Dear God/Oprah/Deity,
I feel confused.  I'm not a big fan of this adolescence thing anymore.  Too many extreme emotions.  Can I skip the next year or so of raging hormones?  Thanks.
Love,
Luna

A Realization

Today wasn't a bad day.  I got a little before noon, worked out, went to the doctor's, read a book, and baked cupcakes with Emaline.  A nice, normal summer day.  Without my brother, who is going to be gone the next three weeks.

However, something dawned on me.  We have a little over a month of summer left.  And with that comes all the summer work that I still need to do.  And...it's A LOT.

There's:

• QB work
• APUSH packets
• AP Lit reading
• Running and practices for field hockey
• My sketchbook for art
• My projects for art (at least three of them)
• the fact that my dad is getting surgery on Wednesday, so I'm going to be doing all his typing for him, since he'll only have one hand.

It just feels like SO MUCH.  And it's been hard to do a lot earlier.  I've been gone a couple weeks.  Ugh.

I'M STRESSING OUT!!!!

Summer's been busier, and more fun than I thought it'd be.  But I have all this QB and AP work to catch up on.  And hockey mileage to put in.  Oh, and planning for AugNo.  So much to do, and I'm on vacation instead...

I'm camping with someone who speaks Spanish.  Maybe I'll brush up on my skills (what skills?).

It's supposed to rain part of the week.

However, I get to go home at least a day early.

Oh, and this whole trip isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

No, Samantha, this is not a pre-set post.  As you can tell by my facebook, I have creepy access to internet all the time.

On a side note, I feel like playing sardines at IKEA.  And shopping.  I need office furniture, dammit. Too bad Mackinaw Island has no IKEA.  Shame.

There are Diseases, You Know

John Green should write a new novel: "An Abundance of Cool."  Because Bianka and I are just that.  So completely awesome.   You know why we are?  Because we go to B-Dubs.  And you know why else?  Because we go to the library afterwards.

And because we are currently talking.  Via facebook chat.  Yet, next to each other.  Well, we are at the library after all.  You're supposed to be quiet in here.  So, SHHHHH!!!

Bianka and I will be going for ice cream too, at some point.  She just doesn't know it yet, apparently.  Or maybe we'll go for a run.  Well, Axel and I will.  She'll just sit and watch, because that's what she'll do.  I prefer to run with a eight-inch metal rod over a person any day.  Well...maybe not.  I'm not sure if Axel is really much of a talker.  Maybe Bianka knows.  They're attached at the hip!  (Not exactly, more like the spine.)

AP Scores

So...all that freaking out about AP scores?  Not worth the stressing.  What is done, is done.  And I certainly managed to benefit from Volansky, somehow.  And of course Ms. Bryen. I dones goods.

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."- Pat Robertson

"C" is the Way it begins

"C" is the way it begins, 
and "H" is the second letter in
"I" is the middle of the word
and "C" you've already heard
"K" is a kind of hen
and "E" you are nearing the "N"
C-H-I-C-K-E-N
That's the way you spell "chicken."

This is part of a song from Chicken/Rufus Raftus Johnson Brown, a song that always is stuck in my head at camp.  It's not particularly a favorite song, but it's catchy.

I'm supposed to be either leaving for camp tomorrow, or already be there-I have done so for the past seven summers.  But I'm not.  And it's weird.

 I have all this extra time now.  A couple extra weeks of summer at home.  It sucks.  Here's to camp and all the wonderful people there, all the wonderful times.  I'll be back soon, Cedar Lodge.

Rufus Raftus Johnson Brown, oh whatcha gonna do when the rent comes around?  Whatcha gonna do or whatcha gonna say, can't make the rent 'til the break of day.  You know and I know and everybody else knows you can't pay the rent if you ain't got the dough.  Rufus Raftus Johnson Brown, whatcha gonna do when the rent comes around?

Summer is:

• fun
• crazy
• fun and crazy busy
• filled with books (will grayson,will grayson!)
• full of drawing
• running for field hockey (I cut my three mile time down by four minutes, twenty seconds!)
• all about too much time on the internet
• focused on Samantha (yeah, right.)

Yeah, summer is awesome.   I even like the running (WTF?!?!)

But I have to go to bed early, it's not even 2AM...sigh...

<3

I'll never know how to do some things.

But I'm learning to do things that I never thought I could.

Perhaps not properly.  But...my way's better.  It's my own.

I'm sorry.

Different

I've met some cool people on my trip. No one life changing, but different. It's always fun for me to find out how other people live.

It gives me hope that there's more than the suburban life: college, work, marriage, two and a half kids and a trampoline in the back yard.

I don't know what I want in life. Instead of becoming a teacher/proff, I could become a rancher, a cowgirl, a ranger, I could travel to a different country to work for a summer, I could bike across a continent.

I like to hear about these different things people have done or want to do with their lives.

I like hearing some if the options.

If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?

Let's get lost in the woods...yeah, let's not!

My family decided that we should drive up into yellowstone national park today so we could see some of the attractions today and save time tommorrow, when we will drive up again the same way to our next hotel.

As a result, I ended up at old faithful (the geyser), two to three hours from our hotel.

The problem here?

It was ten thirty at night. It was dark. And do you know how many parking lots there are for old faithful?

Very, very many. You see, old faithful has a complex of buildings with it. Including, but not limited to two hotels, gas stations, employee dorms, cabins, gift shops... That all look similar in the dark.

It took thirty minutes and directions from five people to find our fucking car. Oh, an then the drive back to the hotel. Oh, how I love Old Faithful!

Damn geyser.

Shady

I keep hearing of a lot of shadiness going around. But, it's mostly just people calling people that. And...it doesn't always seem justified.

I would like to accuse myself of being shady. Trust me, there're reasons. But, let's just say that I don't feel like the most scrupulous person to date.

That's about it. Being a teenager is fucked up sometimes, isn't it?

Yee-Haw!

I'm in cowboy country.

I saw a rodeo.

A young man was stomped on by a bull.

It was terrifying.

The paramedics have deemed him okay.

I feel high.

My head feels cloudy.

I hope that I get to play cowgirl pretty soon.

Yee-Haw?

Whining in Wyoming

Dear Abby:
I"m stuck in a desolate state (both meanings). With my parents. It's really not that bad. I just...want to be someplace else. Now isn't a good time. It's the beginning of summer, and I have books to read and people to visit. I don't have time to do this crazy hiking in the woods thing. Not to mention this chaotic social stuff.

I feel like my summer is slipping away to commitments. I don't like commitments. Abby, why did I even get involved in things?

I want...to be able to make a decision about things-anything.

I miss my August family vacations in Banff and Lake Placid. That actually included the whole family (my brother).

Abby, why can't I act like I'm five? Life would be so much easier then.
Sincerely,
Whining in Wyoming
----------------------------
Dear Whining,
Stop your bitching already! Stop trying to solve other people's problems and focus on yourself. Clearly you need it right now.

As for making decisions, just do something. Then live with whatever you decide. Enjoy your stupid vacation. You're lucky enough just to go. Use it to think about shit.

Suck it up,
Sincerely,
Abby

It's all relative

This is going to be short. It's on my iPod after all.

I spent my morning flying a good distance west. Six hours later, I'm still managing to keep in contact with my friends like ever before. I don't feel that far away from home.

I don't feel that far away from my friends in other states, either. I talk to them as much, if not more than some of my hometown ones.

Sometimes distances seem huge to me. The seven miles across town to Nate's when I'm running late for dinner? Huge distance. Wanting to go to the beach with a friend in Chicago? Not bad, just two and a half hours to a meeting point on lake Michigan.

It's all very relative for me. I'm glad that the distance doesn't matter as much now as it did a millinia, a century, a decade ago.

So...I've Come Crawling Back

Somehow, I guess I miss blogging. Making mental notes of things that I would say blogging, but not actually type them out has been difficult. So, I'm back.

School's out. And I feel similar to what Emaline said. Or I think what she said. I was in school just a couple days ago. But I'm determined to make this one of my favorite summers. It's the first one that I can drive, and therefore, I'm automatically busier. It's awesome. But I do have QB stuff to do at some point. Ugh.

I actually have a lot of summer stuff to do. Read books for Lit, keep a sketchbook/do projects for Studio, and read some stuff for APUSH. I may be crazy for taking APUSH, but I am.

Despite some crazy shit bouncing around in my personal life (which, of course, most of the world knows about), I feel good. It's summer. I'm headed to Yellowstone. And I have a bag of brand new art supplies calling my name

It seems a lot of bloggers are taking breaks for emotional reasons lately.

Well, I'm no exception. I have some personal issues to sort out. My "relationship status" might be changing. Plus, I have the MME/ACT to tackle, and March is a busy month. Oh, and my birthday.

So...you won't be seeing me for a while, I promise.

Plus, there's the whole prom question...

I am but conflicted. Too proud and prejudged to form a proper opinion. I know not what I want; not what I need.

I've gone through a lot of emotions lately.

I am severely confused. A tad under the weather.

But things will be changing in my life shortly.

I'm going to start ignoring the past.

I'm been watching far too much Pride and Prejudice miniseries. Now to watch more!

I'm exhausted. But I really want to blog about tonight. I might be getting sick. I lost my iPod touch. FML. But that's not the point of this entry.

Tonight was...different. I saw someone I haven't seen in...a year and a half? It was surreal. And I'm not sure how things went down.

I'm not sure how much of myself has been affected by this person in the years I've known him. I'm not sure if I have been affected. But I probably have. So has he.

It was long, long ramble by two people. We said the same things. We thought the same things. To say that we still know each other extremely well would be a lie. But we sure are alike.

Here's to:

• Hanging out in an old Lexus
• Being awkward online after meeting
• Denying things that might've happened
• Arrogance and banter and bragging
• Drawing on people
• Being myself.

Yeah, tonight was really weird. I'm really tired. This post is shit, right? Don't worry about it.

There will be around twenty pictures on facebook by Sunday that sum up the night perfectly.

Drama Queen.

My brother has turned into a drama queen. Honestly, my mom was complaining how he seems like he's PMSing 24/7, not me. I'm the female twin here!

And then there's the girl issue. He liked a girl for a while. No biggie, she was nice. And then out of the blue...another one likes him. One who is terrible. Especially for someone's first girlfriend.

You know the whole overprotective older brother cliche? Well, I've become the overprotective older (by 33 minutes) sister. Everyone know that this girl is a ball-busting party girl. She cheated on her last boyfriend four times. That's a little ridiculous.

Everyone has been telling him to be smart, and he just won't listen. He doesn't know her as well as myself and several of our friends. It's just a really bad idea.

What can I say? Love must really be blind.

I Actually Managed to Keep a Resolution

So, by this time my new year's resolutions would be ignored, thrown away in a corner by now. That is, if I even bothered to try a resolution that particular year.

I actually have kept one so far. I'm proud of myself. I did something that actually defies my natural laziness. So anyways...the numbers on the scale now read ten pounds lighter.

But I have more energy. And my clothes fit better. Well, except for my pants which are getting too big...

But anyways...yay!

Bullets

• I just experimented with brownies. They look yummy. Let's hope I can feed them all to my brother.
• I feel oddly nervous for the new semester. And I have only two new classes.
• Life is good again.
• However, my brain has not recovered from Culver yet. I've read two trashy books since we got home last night.
• I wonder if Westboro is even going to come. I'm not sure about a counter protest. I'm concerned some crazy teenagers are going to make it seem violent or trouble-making instead of the peaceful counter-protest it should be. Thanks ATAB, for having the guts to start it.
  

I Don't Know Anything

Lately, life is really...yucky. I fail at studying for finals, and I probably didn't do so great because of it. I keep snapping at people. Apparently I'm being a huge bitch lately. I'm not surprised, honestly. Problems in my life tend to spread to all parts of my life.

I'm brain-dead, and feeling yucky. I'm so not in shape to play six hours (eight hours?) of quiz bowl. And then spend ten on a bus.

Looks like I'm not too optimistic lately. As someone smart once said...life sucks.

Catcher in the Rye

So...JD Salinger died. That's sad.

Help! You Know I Need Somebody....

I've felt a lot of feelings. But I've never quite felt this helpless before. In my life, there's very little that I feel that I can't affect some way. But how do I change someone else's thoughts? That's not part of my life, yet it affects me.

As much as I want to write off this helplessness as PMS, it can't be.

I can't change that I didn't have enough time on my precalculus final. I can't change that I feel like my relationship is falling apart. I can't change that I'm busy and Nate's busy and robotics is everyday, and it's all a big mess right now.

I don't do boy problems. I hate drama. I'm dating the most drama-free boy I know. And because of it, it's dramatic. He won't speak his mind, so he doesn't talk at all! I mean, he talks but it isn't about anything important. How do you fix something that's not yours to change?

We'll See...

I hate when my dad won't give me a definite answer. He knows what he's going to say, but just in case he changes his mind at the last minute, he wants to have that option. And it's always semi-important stuff.

How am I supposed to plan to visit my friend when I'm in Chicago if I don't know if I can? The same thing happened last year, and it was a mess...

So how will this turn out? As well as studying for finals is going.

We'll see...

Something's Changed

When used to get really depressed, I was suicidal. Something changed yesterday. I got really depressed, but suicide never crossed my mind. That must mean I'm finally getting better. It's nice to know. Being alive is fun!

For Those of You Who Read Samantha's Blog...

She blogged about a site sort of like PostSecret a couple weeks ago. The difference is that you submit a secret and the blogger makes a picture depicting the secret. Well, I have a secret published. Halfways anyways. It might be mine. I can't remember exactly what I said, so I'm like 80% sure its mine.

Hmm. I have a half-posted secret now... :O

Instead of during homework, I thought I'd share one of my favorite vloggers. He's gay, 20 (21?), and fucking hilarious. He also happens to go to MSU. Meaning that we have one mutual friend on Facebook. Yay! But here's a bit more insightful video of Tyler Oakley's.

Click here. Since Blogger won't let me stick the YouTube video on this post.

Self Improvement

I feel like I've been on a bit of a self-improvement trip lately. The sleeping and eating better, the AP Lang grades (well, I've been trying anyways), the having better relationships thing. I just feel better lately (not to mention my pants fit better). A big one: I've been trying to be more grateful.

I spent this past week, this past year, possibly most of my teen-aged years listening to people complain. Don't get me wrong, I do complain a lot, but it's...different.

Mostly I'm sick of hearing people complain about time. They're bored, or something is taking too much time, or they don't have enough time.

A week is a week, people. You've lived through hundreds of them already, it's not that hard! Instead of counting the hours to the next break, stop and appreciate your weekdays. Whether it be the possibility of a snow day or eating lunch with your friends everyday, there are good things about going to school. Focusing on the good can help outweigh the bad.

I know there are bad weeks, months, and years. But it isn't that hard to change things, or at least wait out the storm.

When people complain about how long until the weekend-don't join in. You're lucky enough to be going to school every day, knowing where your next meal comes from, and not having to worry about being bombed.

I am so sick of hearing the ungratefulness. People, you only have so much time to live-go do something with it!

Porn Essay

So I thought I'd share this. It's not the best thing I've ever written by far, but it's certainly an interesting topic. Enjoy!


Porn. One word, but I bet I caused a reaction from you, didn’t I? Known for featuring women with over inflated breasts perform seemly impossible things with men who are well endowed, to say the least, pornography depicts a fantasyland for some viewers, a realm of possibilities for others. Such graphic, explicit images evoke all sorts of feelings, from disgust to sexual pleasure. A long standing generalization is that all men enjoy such sexual images. Contrary to this, not all men indulge in pornography, and some women enjoy it.

Recent headlines have been declaring “All Men Have Seen Porn” because of an attempted study by the University of Montreal. Coordinators tried to find men who had never seen pornography before for their experiments, and had no luck (Porn). Publications, the scientists, and people alike were quick to assume that is meant that all men had been exposed to explicit images and films. A Danish study found otherwise. It reported that many of their male participants used pornography or had been exposed to it; however, “all” was never used (Hald). Another survey found that 98% of German men are interested in porn, leaving a two percent gap (Levitin). Undeniably, the majority of men do enjoy porn or have experienced it in some form. But not all have, especially younger teens. There are boys that have not touched porn, either for lack of interest, or lack of opportunity, like for instance, Ace Rosenburg* who simply doesn’t care enough to bother. “I’d rather play video games or go on Facebook,” he states. As Ace becomes a man, he may reevaluate his choice. But as of right now, he, along with other men and boys, choose to ignore it.

The stereotype goes that all men like porn; it mentions nothing about women. There are, however, women who enjoy pornography. Trying to change up his sex life, Pete*, tried to encourage his girlfriend, Ruth * to try out adult films, thinking that it would be fun for them to watch together. To his surprise, she quickly agreed. Ruth had watched porn for years; Pete just never had any idea. Women simply use porn more privately than men, not even telling their significant other. Perhaps the idea of announcing to the world that they have a sex drive is not as appealing to females and males. Men are more likely to watch porn with their friends than women are, a Danish survey discovered (Hald). The same study found that approximately 48% of Danish women ages 18-30 used pornography at least monthly. Society, even in countries more open about pornography use, like Denmark, still seems to retain a double standard in regards to porn. Men can use porn, but women’s use of it is uncommon, or not talked about.

Why do women use porn so much less than men? The answer lies in the films. The balloon breasts, the bleached long hair is not for the woman’s pleasure. “Women have reported feeling disgusted, annoyed, repulsed, and generally not turned on by porn made for” men (Fulbright). The porn market targets males’ desire for sex. Not the emotions, or the back-story, or even the possibility of it being plausible. The very graphic nature of the movies is what draws the male viewer in. Ultimately, porn was designed to entrap men and addict them, getting them to return time and time again (Kastleman). Generally, women do not seem to enjoy the direct focus on copulation that men do. Of course, there are exceptions. But Dr. Fulbright, a sex educator, contends that women often prefer more romanticized versions of porn, stories they can picture fitting into their own lives. The female body reacts just like the male one does to hardcore pornography (Flam). However, the female mind does not react like a male’s mind. This difference in reaction to porn could be why so many more males utilize explicit images than females.

Ultimately, porn use is not decided just by gender. Women and men alike watch pornography for sexual gratification. There are also people of both genders who are disgusted by it. Gender is an affecting factor, as men and women are aroused differently, but so is the individual. Each woman, each man, is unique in their sexual fantasies and how they fulfill them. Ultimately, pornography use is a choice, influenced by gender, but not determined by it.

*Names have been changed to protect them from the taunts of peers.

"Porn study fails to find smut virgins." NineMSN NineMSN, 3 Dec. 2009. Web. 13 Dec. 2009. .

Hald, Gert Martin. "Gender Differences in Pornography Consumption among Young Heterosexual Danish Adults." Archives of Sexual Behavior. 35.5 (2006): 577-85.

Levitin, Michael. "Internet porn is changing German sex lives." Telegraph.co.uk Telegraph Media Group Limited 2009, 22 Sept. 2008. Web. 15 Dec. 2009. .

Fulbright, Yvonne. "Porn Isn't Just for Men Anymore." FoxNews.com N.p., 9 Nov. 2009. Web. 6 Jan. 2010. .

Kastleman, Mark. "How Explicit Web Marketers Target Men vs. Women." Net Nanny Content Watch, 2009. Web. 6 Jan. 2010. .

Flam, Faye. "Woman may respond to porn, but not in a way that counts." The Seattle Times The Seattle Times Company, 26 Nov. 2006. Web. 6 Jan. 2010. .

Liar Liar

I lie on Omegle/places where I'm talking to strangers on the Internet.
Here's a list of things I've done.

• Said I was British
• Pretended to speak French (I know very little French) with another American who spoke little French
• Possibly gotten a Chinese girl in trouble (it's a long story)
• Go along with perverts. For a second, then I leave.
• Said I was Canadian
• Found out that some people don't like Americans very much. I'm not surprised.
• Pretended to be Peter (I'm joking, but that would be fun)
• Traded random facts
• Only talked to people who said something other than "asl" or "hi" to start a conversation
• Pretended to be normal, then went on about flying monkeys

I'm probably a very mean Omegle person. But it's so damn fun!

It's Family and All That

Hi! How ya doin'?

For a long time, I wasn't quite sure where I stood with Nathan's family. I'm clearly higher ranking than a friend, and they invite me to family things that just friends wouldn't get invited to. But, clearly I'm not marrying the guy either. It's not an "oh, welcome to the family, meet your future in-laws" type of thing. After tonight, I've realized that I'm sort of the second daughter, who actually looks like Nathan's parents more that his sister does (she's adopted from Bolivia), but lives in a separate house and has her own family. I'm another member of the family-sometimes, temporarily I am.

Tonight was fun. I went with Nate's family to a sort of Georgia Tech alumnus dinner and Pistons game. I spent more time talking to Danielle, Nathan's sister, than him. It's nice to be friends with her. Ah, how easy to please middle schoolers.

And I got to meet some former Georgia Tech b-ball players (currently in the NBA). Too bad I've never heard of them. That probably doesn't count as meeting celebrities then.

But I had fun with his family, and strangers, and for me that's quite a big step. I'm not really concerned about making a good impression anymore. I talked so much with Danielle that my personality came out, the positive and the negative. It's kinda nice to know that I can be myself!

Anyways, I'm gonna watch some Greek, then Gilmore Girls.

Good Night and Good Luck!