Sock Rant

I was cleaning my room today, and as I often do, I had a cleaning epiphany. Well, not really an epiphany, but it's fun to say. Anyways...I found and counted five blue-toned scarfs of mine. Now they're all different, but four of them were given to me! Do I just seem to ask for blue scarfs for all my Christmas, birthday, and random other occasion gifts? Oh, and I have three others. Two were also given to me as gifts. Perhaps I need a second neck for all these scarfs...

I also have a strange amount of fuzzy socks (most of them are striped, by the way). I really enjoy fuzzy socks in the winter time, but it just seems like seven pairs is too many, because ALL of them were gifts.

The scarf and fuzzy sock gifting has only begun since freshman yearish. Three years, and I have this many of both?

So I'm asking, begging really, please don't give me socks or scarfs. I may seem like all I need in this world is a blue scarf to keep me happy, but really? I don't.

There's a ton of stuff to include, but...

Hmm. To copy everyone else, in case you were wondering about what I got for Christmas...

• an iPod touch <3
• a cute little case for it. Really, it's adorable.
• PJ pants
• Sweaters that require returning (itchy, too small)
• A boy's shirt (too big)
• Paper Heart DVD
• The 6th Season of Gilmore Girls (because I already had seasons 1-5 and 7)

And I gave...well, a ton of stuff. I did almost all the Christmas shopping for my family this year. My mom doesn't like Christmas shopping, and since I do, well...I got to buy and wrap everything.

I feel like another week of break would be nice. But then I remember that we basically have monthly breaks/long weekends+snow days coming. I guess I'll be okay after all.

I've seen four movies in the past three weeks, which is a ton for me. The Blind Side, Invictus, The Princess and the Frog, and Sherlock Holmes. They were all good. Really good. Especially the Blind Side.
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Over school breaks, I try to work out more, since I have the time for it. This normally gets me on a losing weight kick (something I need to do, by the way). But, I feel a bit more excited for this one. And trust me, I need it. I mean, I signed up for this weight tracker thing and stuff. I was a normal weight(ish) freshman year. I'd like to be able to get back there, anyways.

I'm going to Costa Rica for spring break. Here's to hoping I have some success by then.

Happy Early New Year!

Things I've Done

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars (Does in a tent count?)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept overnight on a train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden a gondola in Switzerland (I did a gondola in New Hampshire)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish country
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (Working on it.)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (Jesse says I did when I gave him the heimlich.) :)~
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. One cavity or less

You Never Know Until You Find Out

So, I've sort of known for months that Nathan can cook. But it was actually proven today.

We had my house to ourselves, so we went grocery shopping and made ourselves dinner. So, we searched my kitchen, deciding what to make. He figured out what spices to buy by sniffing certain ones we already had. And then he knew exactly what he was doing, spending far longer than I ever would picking out meat.

So we cooked, Iron Chef style-flurry, spicing and dicing and stirring. It was fun. And he can definitely cook better than me. Even though we had our share of mistakes, it was still really fun and I can't wait to do it again.

We ended up with:

• "crunchy" redskin potatoes (we didn't bake them long enough)
• cornbread that fell apart (I had to use EggBeater egg white instead of normal eggs)
• yummy steak (except for the places where he spilled seasoning all over the place)

It was good. It was yummy. My boyfriend can cook better than me. Maybe he'll teach me how.

Perfect Present.

I have some sort of issue, I really do. This is possibly the second or third Christmas involving me crying, and I don't know why.

Every year, I expect the magic of Christmas to hit. Santa brings me presents, family brings me joy. I mean, I honestly had a great Christmas.

So why the tears began at 1:34 am this morning/last night, I don't know.

It seems to be that I haven't experienced the perfect present in a long time. Now before you think I'm spoiled or something, let me explain.

The perfect present has not to do with monetary value. It can only be given from a person who knows the recipient well. I want to be known that well. Am I hard to read? I don't think so.
Santy came close this year. But the only thing I ever want from Christmas is a well thought out surprise. That is why I have the messed up crying every year.

Merry Christmas

Okay, I don't know anyone that celebrates Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah is over for the year, so I hope you don't mind me saying....Merry Christmas everyone!

I just checked NORAD, and he's in San Pedro, Paraguay. He's hit pretty much every continent now but North America. We're just behind everyone else...sigh.

I can't wait for Santa! Unfortunately, because my mom is working tomorrow, we have to wake up at 8:00. It's less than twelve hours from now, YES!

Oh, and SQUEEE!!!!

Yeah, Yeah, I Know Her

So Sam and I have been talking. About actually knowing someone. And I think that we've come to an important conclusion (it was her, I think, but it makes me feel better to say "we").

For example, I've known my friend MC for years, I've been to her house, annoyed her brother with her, laughed at her pickiness. But for the life of me, I don't know her goals in life, what she thinks about most, etc. I can tell you her crush in 6th grade, but not why she supported McCain in the last election.

I like to know things about people. I really do. It's probably why I facebook stalk sometimes.
So anyways...yeah, tell me things. I'd rather actually learn your opinions on life than whether not you think Volansky is crazy (not that it's not important, but small talk can get dull).

So...here's one for you. My mother thinks I've been going to church every Sunday by myself at a different church because I dislike the pastor at my church. I do dislike him somewhat. So, for the past several months, as often as I can, I've been skipping Church. I've driven to Camp Dearborn, gone Christmas shopping before the malls were open, and finished my green sheet in the parking lot of Sorrows. I'm not the stanch Catholic some people (God knows why they think this) seem to believe that I am. I believe in God, but I prefer to be a deist. (I only used the term because of Euro. Euro Connection!) I don't like Church, but I pray sometimes. Can't I have my own religion?

And that, was something important about me.

Grades

I find grades very relative.

Towards the beginning of the semester, I was trying semi-hard, I wanted my A's, damn it!

I've been progressively less homework since we've gotten closer to break. My grades are exactly the same. I'm not learning as much, but my grades are the same.

I had a quiz in precalc recently, thinking that I would do poorly, I worried about it. In Honors Algebra 2 if this happened, it'd mean I would be receiving a C, maybe a D. Now? An A-.

My classes are getting easier, or something. I feel like...it's not supposed to be like that. I don't mind it, but it's weird.

To me, my grades should be correlated with how much effort I'm putting in. But I'm probably going to study very little for my Euro test (on four chapters) and do very well on it. That doesn't seem fair to me, when there's a couple sophomores in the class studying their asses off.

I'm lucky, I seemed to have gotten the long straw (or is it the short that's good?). I just wish it was more fair and equal or something...

Aww...boys aren't so bad sometimes. I say this as I write my porn essay too. Maybe I'm certifiable, like Volansky.

Hey, Just Call Me "Seven"

My dad teaches and creates online classes. That's basically what he does, why I live in a house and not a box, things like that. He's gotten all sorts of students, ones serving in Iraq right now, ones who also happen to be going to med school, grandmas who just get bored. He teaches people from many places not just in this country, but the world.

But never, has he had a student quite like this. His first name is Thirty-Seven, his surname Forty-Seven. Thirty-Seven Forty-Seven. He says that he just goes by "Seven."

Now, Dad has encountered many foreign names, many unfamiliar names, but never someone named after a number before. He's curious, I'm curious as to how this guy's name happened. Were his parents feeling adventurous? Did he change it himself? Does everyone in his family have number names?

I just wish I knew the story behind the name. Name your kid Atlas, Pilot Inspecktor, Apple, whatever. But...a number? It's different to say the least.

You're an Art Student When...

So, there's a little thing I don't particularly like right now. It's called the new schedule. But, don't fret, I'm not going to bitch about that, really.

My concern is the art classes. I skipped taking art this year, deciding that Spanish was more practical. I'm finally going to have room for art again.

There's no Art 3 anymore. I'd be taking Studio/IB Art. It's a yearlong class for students who want to build their portfolios, namely for going to art school.

Unfortunately, I don't really need one of those, unless I do end up majoring in architecture, which seems a little unlikely right now.

I'm scared.

Taking this art class would mean that I'm serious about art, that I crave to sketch a particular tree, want to collage a skyscraper, visit the Louvre, etc.

I love art. I really, really do. But I'm terrified to be an art student. What happens when I'm not as good as everyone else? Does that mean that I'm going to get a bad grade? If I lack the skills the other students have, does that mean I shouldn't be in the class?

I'm majoring in History/Spanish/Secondary Ed. I don't need this art class. But I want it. But what if I don't belong, Mommy? Will the other kids laugh at my rudimentary figure drawings, my fabric collages, my naivete? I'm scared. Oh so very terrified.

It's a half-win. I'm sorry. But...I signed up for the wrong NaNoWriMo...kinda. So, I won on one, got halfway on the other. I'm sorry. My fault. But hey, there's next year right?

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'm going to do it. I'll win NaNoWriMo one way or another. Without cheating. I promise.

Living in the Past/Present/Future.

I don't like pretending something never happened. Yes, sometimes means I live in the past too much. But, you can't ignore it. I'm not saying bring it up all the time. But don't deny it, especially if it wasn't horrible.

My Family is Cheating

Thanksgiving is normally a stressful time for my family, particularly my mother. It involves a lot of cooking and cleaning. It entails yelling (all of us) and whining (from me and my brother). It's not all that pleasant.

This year, we're cheating. The house is still clean from a massive overhall we did of of basement a couple weeks ago. The main source of the dinner isn't being cooked by us. It happens to be a pretty good deal to get it catered this year. So, very little work for me this year, except making Better than Sex Cake. Funny name, right? Well, I didn't name it I can tell you that.

I'm cheating at the holidays this year. I wonder if it'll make a difference.

What I'm Thankful For

As we all know, Thanksgiving is coming up. And, because I don't normally do this, especially not at Thanksgiving dinner, I've decided to count my (many) blessings.

The Little Things:

• Chocolate
• The Internet: how else would I keep in touch with my friends, blog, harvest crops, etc?
• Books: They keep me (semi) sane. My true love.
• Cooking
• Field Hockey
• Dance
  

The Big Things:

• My mom and dad, extremely understanding, rather lenient parents
  
• My brother (sometimes)
• Bridget, Alyssa, Dayna and Nathan.
  
• Financial security and a home.
• My summer camp
• Religion (occasionally)
• Creativity
• Oh, and finally [DATA EXPUNGED]
  

The Biggest Thing:
Love <3

I'm Too Little to Understand

I'm looking back at my life. It's been so full that I can't comprehend how decades more could fit. On one of my suicidal tangents the other day, I came up with a reason for suicide:

I can't comprehend how my life could spread out to greater things. I feel like my life has been...indescribable so far.

But since the tangent has passed, I'm trying to look at this more objectively. I'd had so many experiences, tried to not be so sheltered, and there is so much that is unknown to me. I'm sixteen. I believe the life expectancy for an American woman is like 78 years. Assuming I live that long, what's going to fill those next six decades?

I don't know. I'm too young to understand. It better be as exciting, tragic, magical, exhilaterating and clueless as my past sixteen.

It's 11:11, make a wish. Here's to the unknown that I can't wait to live.

Disclaimer: This Might Get a Little Corny

I went to the talent show at school, just like every other year (well, the past two, but who's counting?).

And every year I cringe at some acts and whoop tirelessly at others. This year, I tried to make an effort to pay attention, even to the somewhat boring stuff. And believe it or not, nothing was all that boring.

The sound system hurt my ears a little, sometimes I couldn't understand what the emcees were saying.

But it was pretty awesome anyways. There's all these cool people at my school. Ones that I want to meet, ones I wonder how the hell they became so talented.

I love the diversity, the uniqueness each student brings. I feel a sort of nationalism for my school. (Connection to Present)

My Imperfections

So I have a hard time getting over things. I'm oversensitive, and my self esteem levels are extremely variant. I don't take criticism well, even well-intended advice. I find myself uncomfortable in many social settings. I'm self absorbed.

These are what I consider my greatest imperfections.

I attribute them to an rather horrendous incident that happened in 5th grade.

It triggered the suicidal thoughts beginning in 6th, and the only true hate I have for anyone.

I'm so sorry I've let it affect me this much. It puts a damper on my naturally happy demeanor far too often, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

So to you, who ruined my life that year, I forgive you. I know it can't happen again, and nothing makes me happier.

But I'm moving on. You'll have the rest of your life to deal with that mess in your head. I get the rest of my life to live free of it.

I win.

Hi

Dear Blogest,
It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been dating NaNoWriMo instead of you. I hope you don't mind, we did agree to an open relationship, that I may come and go as I please. Just hold on to your fond memories until November is over. Then, we'll consider getting back together, okay?
Love,
Luna

My family is crazy. My brother has the flu (not swine), my mother has become a clean freak, and my father seems to have the personality of a five year old. I'm glad to know my life is normal.

The Bet

So, I'm having trouble thinking of a good bet. Bet results, that is.

This weekend is my six month anniversary with Nathan, but it is also the weekend he decided we should make a bet.

Therefore, I am naming it the Anniversary Bet. Creative huh? I may add epic to the title, considering the last real bet I participated in (and lost was during freshman year, and truly epic).

But I need help. What should I make him do when I win? Because I refuse to lose. (Ahh. poetry!)

Yes, I'm behind

I'm behind in NaNoWriMo. I have no excuses really. I'll do better, I promise. It took me a while to know where I wanted to go with my story, now I believe I know. I better write a damn lot this weekend.

Mix Up Mash Up, Prayers.

Hrm. I want to blog about something. I'm just not exactly sure what.

So it's funny how things work, how people turn out to know your friend who goes to a different school, or be the long lost cousin of your neighbor.

I like coincidences they're fun, they're making my life interesting right now.

So I'm going to make this year better than ever. Each year seems to bring some better things for me.

So here's a wish: may every year surpass my expectations of it. May I grow from the terrible, survive the horrible, and smile in spite of it all. I'm praying for strength, something I seem to be lacking lately.

"Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Dear God..."

Reckless

I don't do many stupid things in my life on purpose. But of course I did last night.

It was good to act reckless. It wasn't as reckless as I felt like. If I did that, I'd probably be in a hospital right now. Or a morgue.

I guess holidays just bring out my more stupid, suicidal tendencies. And just bring general emotionless after (right now).

But anyways, I have an essay to write.

Beginning of NaNoWriMo/End of Halloween

Since I sort of changed my mind, I'm not sure what I'm writing for NaNoWriMo. I'm gonna dive in.

Halloween was great, but my costume sort of fell apart on me.

It's about to start!

"Art is not a sin. It's not always good. But it is not a sin. Never."

-Bel Canto by Ann Patchett

I'm changing what I'm writing about for NaNoWriMo. Sort of. While this was happening in my life, I always said it was like a chick flick or something.

I sort of accidentally revisited this experience, or set of experiences, and I think I can distance myself enough to write it. We'll see, not won't we?

I just don't want to fall in love again.

Toga

Man, making a toga is a little harder than it looks. At least making on that doesn't look like a bodysuit made of diapers. So, I get to brush up on my sewing skills!

Complaints on a Teacher

I don't complain about my teachers very often. In general, I quite enjoy school and my teachers.

But there has been an incident.

I spent the last twenty minutes of 4th Block debating with Volansky in front of the whole class about the alternate answer to a question. Did I want to debate? No. Did I really care about getting an extra point on my test? No. I was tired, and I asked why it couldn't be A, and I swear she spent several minutes in some type of circular logic about the thing. I not sure really, I was half asleep by the end of it.

Safe to say...Volansky can shove that explanation up her ass. You don't have to make me look stupid in front of everyone! And leave Emaline alone, bitch! She always looks that inquizitive, it's not her fault!

Ugh. No me gusta la profesa de AP Lang.

I'm pretty sure Sam taught me more about writing today with her NaNoWriMo lecture than Volansky has all semester. I'm not sure if it's her crazyness or attempt to sound intellectual in front of the AP students, but she has a tendency to make no sense. It's just like...she tells us to do something, and expects it at a certain quality, but I don't recall much teaching from her.

I Love Me Some Facebook. (The people on it, that is)

Okay, so be warned, this is a comment about Facebook. Defending it.

But, it is NOT about YOU getting one. That'll happen in its own due time.

You want to know why so many people have a Facebook? It's not about Facebook. It's about connecting with other people.

There's games on there, they're fun. I like to compete against certain people, or give them frivlous virtual gifts, like purple hay bales or grenade launchers.

I can see so and so's pictures from homecoming, and get to see the guy from Northville she went with (and wants to date).

I can find out that my ex got into his dream college and congratulate him.

When I talk about Facebook, I'm normally talking about the people on it, or something they posted.

Yeah, I could do all those things other places, but why do that when I can simply do it all in one place? And it's fun.

It's a bloody brilliant idea. Granted, it IS easy to get addicted to.

But without it, I'd probably have lost a lot of the friends I have and never get to see. (Like the ones that live in Japan, Chicago, Farmington, down the block)

Hmm...maybe I'll make this into a post...it's certainly long enough. Okay, I will.

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

So, I think I'm going to cheat.

I've cheated before, it doesn't really bug me. Well, except my first grade spelling test. I totally knew how to spell the bonus word!

Having no morals is fun, I'm telling you.

That's why I might start NaNoWriMo sooner.

Why?

Because I'm into it right now, and if I wait to long, I'll want to quit. I may make my word count higher to make up for it.

But, I'm pretty sure I'm going to begin writing this weekend instead. I'm cheating, yes. So what?

So About NaNoWriMo

I have a rough idea of what I'm going to write. It's probably going to sound like a million other stories.

They always say to write about what you know. So, I'm basically writing about a teenage girl and a boy she meets. Because hey, that's what I know. And I'm a sucker for love stories. But...it might not turn into one, I haven't decided.

I'm thinking...boy meets girl. Boy and girl become friends. Boy (an atheist) makes girl (relatively religious Christian) rethink her beliefs and religion and why she practices it.

And then it goes one way or the other. Personally, I think I want to go with girl and boy get into one huge fight about it and don't talk for years.

Of course, they happen to meet again later in college. By this time, girl has either reconfirmed her beliefs or gone agnostic/atheist.

Perhaps they become friends. Perhaps one finally sees the other's view.

I'm not sure. I basically just planned the story.

And I'm hoping that this might help me settle my own big question. Not "Why Europe?" or "Why China?" But "What the Hell do I Believe in?"

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On a side note, I'm psyched for missing the first two hours of school Thursday. Sleeping in and breakfast! Although, poor Nate has a 5:30AM swim practice. Have fun with that!

NanoWriMo

So I'm going to give this NanoWriMo a shot. I won't have field hockey, so I'll have some time. Not much, but some.

I just want to see if I can actually do this.

College List

Well, I promised myself I'd make a list. It's going here as a reminder to myself as to why I bother with trying hard.

-U of M
-Vandy
-Northwestern
-U of Penn
-Penn State
-Loyola
-Cornell
-Brown

On a side note, Regina Spektor is doing a great job at calming me right now.

Outside the cars are beeping out a song just in your honor.
And although they do not know it,
all mankind are now your brothers.
And thus the cathedral had spoken, wishing well to all the sinners.
And with a sigh grew silent.
-Human of the Year

Uh...Um?

I think I've made a decision.

I'm not going to school anymore. I'm going to drop out and become a hobo and ride the rails and carry my belongings in a burlap sack. What? What did you say? It's not the 1930s anymore? Oh, you're right.

Can I just sleep for a couple years instead? No? Well how can I become less motivated? How to I get rid of my expectations for myself? How do I become this so-called "average" I've yet to witness at my school?

What? You mean I'm stuck this way?

Well what if I become pregnant and drop out? I'd still go to college? I would...oh no.

How do I become apathetic, Inner Michelle? You don't know?

Damn. School is tough.

Originally, it was once a week. There were three weeks. Easy enough, but forbid there be a forth.

But this time is different. Time refrains from being easily definable this this. You can't divide up the unknown, can you? Oh woe.

I Think I've Found my Rebellious Streak & Presents

Basically, I've found that breaking the rules is really fun. Not majorly breaking. Just risking a grounding or something. It's probably as rebellious as I'm going to get. Having people over when I'm not supposed to, skipping AP Lang homework, I'm just crazy! (mostly I'm just getting past my "I love homework" phase and back into being lazy.)

Oh, and I've been thinking about Christmas lately. I love the holidays, aside from my stupid relative (who will not be named). Nate and I were talking presents yesterday. Let's just say he knows more about duct tape that I ever will. But unfortunately, his birthday and Christmas are two weeks apart. Stupid proximity makes things confusing. (i.e., do I get one big present or two? etc.) Oh, and some people will be requiring birthday presents soon. I love present shopping. Yay!

Suspended Animation

I like my life, I do. I like my hometown, my family, my friends. But lately I've been feeling like I'm stuck in suspended animation and everything is in slow-mo. But it's not really. It's basically impossible to be in suspended animation and survive.

But I've been restless, and I just kinda want to skip ahead to college. Maybe my mom's annoying me more than normal, maybe it's the whole new found freedom thing with my license. But I want more freedom.

I've even looked at graduating early. Unfortunately, I can't graduate a year early, but a semester is possible.

But I think I need these two years still. I don't want them all that much right now, but I need them to prepare me for the outside world, to make big decisions about who I am and who I want to be.

I feel like I'm in suspended animation. But being animated will be good for me, like vitamins.

Questioning

In AP Lang we talked about a child's natural desire to learn, and whether school fosters it or crushes it. Personally, I suppose it depends on the child.

Me? Well...nothing can crush my curiosity.

My mother is nosy. And surprise surprise, so am I.

I have a curiosity of other people, myself, how we relate to each other in the world. I don't necessarily want to know about carbon polymers or factoring trinomials. I want to be the neighborhood busybody.

So if I ever ask a question that makes you feel uncomfortable, or is just weird, kindly (emphasis on kindly) tell me to shut up, and then move on with the conversation.

Thank you, that is all.

Work

Earlier today I was accused by my wonderful father of having no work ethic. I'm a sheltered suburban kid, of course my work ethic isn't going to be great in regards to physical labor and paying off a mortage or anything like that. I've never known what it feels like to be truly starving except on an unfortunate misadventure in Cozumel, and that hardly counts (12 hours people, not all that tragic.) I'm lucky, I know that. And on my better days with God, I thank Him.

But that's not the point.

I am privileged, I've never had to worry about losing the house or my brother being shot by a rival gang.

But don't you dare tell me I don't have a work ethic. Yeah, it's not physical labor or risking my life, or even working at McDonald's. But academically, I am capable of working my ass off, thank you very much.

No one put the ambitions in my head but me. And don't you dare try to tell me I can't work hard. Lazy is living off welfare when you can work and settling for poverty. Lazy is graduating with all Ds because you never tried (not due to low intelligence.) Lazy is sitting on your butt and watching your kids go hungry.

I have it easy. I'm not fighting the odds. Statistics say that since both my parents went to college, there's a good chance I'll graduate too. I'm not doomed to a life of poverty or trying to save myself.

But that doesn't mean that I don't try and help myself. I'm not coasting here. Some of it is luck, some environmental factors, but at the end of the day, it's me making myself actually do it.

When I'm still up way past midnight getting this make up work done, I hope I remember this. I have a work ethic, at least I think I do. I just need to prove it to myself.

Psht. Homecoming

Somehow I manage to always build things up in my head, and then the real experience never measures up to it.

This one was pretty damn good. I liked the football game too. I never like the football game! The after party was probably the best part. Maybe the after after party too. Except the stupid music. Miley Cyrus, twice!

I danced, I laughed, I ate, I was awkward, I posed for pictures, I took pictures, etc.

Then today I managed to walk six miles on five hours of sleep. I'm proud of myself. Oh, and did I mention that I have pneumonia? I won't be at school for a little bit. I missing the trial in Euro too!

Confessions from a Witch with a B

Like many great revelations to be had, mine was in the shower. As high school goes on, I've become more bitchy. Whether it's hormonal or stress related or just a turn of events, it's true.

Last year I was called mean more times than I can ever remember being called before. Granted, most of them were jokes, and I'm not super nice, I know this, it just seems to be getting worse. Already this year I can tell it's getting worse.

I chose to make an effort to be blunt, and not care what people think. The sarcasm, I chose. What I chose, I often become. So now I'm choosing differently.

I can still be honest and sarcastic. I'm just going to make an effort to actually think before I say. Ironic coming from a girl that overanalyzes everything. But, apparently, her words.

So confession: I've been becoming a bitch.
Another confession: With a bit of luck, that'll change.

Uncle, the Wonder Student

So I found something kind of funny out today. My uncle and I are basically taking the same course for English. Granted, his is at an actual college, but other than that, nothing is different.

Of course, I was helping him with his homework today. I find this kind of fun. I'm helping a forty year old man with how to write a descriptive essay.

But, he wanted to go back to school to become a nurse. And he had to take this composition course. I give him props for doing it. It's difficult to go back to school after all those years, especially if you don't particularly like school.

It's nice to know that education isn't all that different, whether you're sixteen or fortysomething.

Dear Mrs. World

Dear Mrs.World,
Just don't expect too much of me, kay? I have many faults, and here is my attempt at being humble.

I don't have my shit together, even if some think I do. I worry constantly, analyze everything, and hardly ever get real things done. If I did, I would be doing a lot better in school. No, not grade wise, but learning wise.

Mrs. World, I would love to be a decent, moralistic person. For the record, I am not. I won't ever be as compassionate as Mother Theresa, as brave as Ghandi, as bold as Gloria Steinem. I lie, I cheat, I take gum from my brother. I am not humble, I know where I have strengths. I'm arrogant, but often I have low self esteem.

Mrs. World, as for my one true strength, I can read. But I don't choose to read the great classics. I love romances. I love that so-called "literary trash". But it isn't junk, not always. Granted, I wouldn't read it if you're trying to avoid certain sins, but... There are life lessons somewhere in there, and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I seek them out.

So you see, put pressure on me if you like. But I won't be at fault for my failure to do what you except Mrs. World. I am human, I am flawed. I am conceited enough to call myself that.

You want humble? Go ask someone else. You want math help? Go ask someone else. Want to discuss Meg Cabot's latest book? That I can help you with.

Sincerely,
M.A.M.

Coming Full Circle

I don't feel old anymore. I don't feel young. I just feel like...myself. There's disappointments and accomplishments, hopefully more of the latter.

School brings me back every time, no matter how much summer throws me off.

I'm not afraid this year. Go ahead, deal it out. I'm ready this year.

Change...or Not

Not much has changed at school since last June. A little more work, but it's basically last year, but better. I have no reason to worry about my APs except the exam. I didn't know last year could be better. Oh, and Andrea and Tenki are so cute!

This year is gonna be great. But I'm sensing the need for some serious breaks now and then. I wanna hit Chicago again this winter. And a couple colleges. Costa Rica in the spring... Being able to drive myself places... I could go to college campuses myself!

There is so much to plan...YES!

And So It Ends...

Yeah, summer is almost over. But I've been pretty much feeling like I should be back at school anyways since it's so late compared to normal.

I'll be honest, I've been dreading junior year. And then I started my summer reading and such. It's actually doable! Granted, I may fail all my classes, but at least I won't fail them because I couldn't do it. But then what would I fail them for...? Hmm...maybe pulling a Columbine? I'd rather not, I don't feel depressed.

Things are good actually. Life is pretty fabulous. I'm going to need to stop going to bed really late, but I'll adjust. Considering where things were a year ago, well anything can be better than that.

So is it bad to say that I'm excited for school? Yeah, I'd love a couple more weeks of summer, but I kinda want to learn again. Even math. That's crazy, right?

I'm a little scared about failing things, but at the same time, I'm ready to prepare myself wrong. Surely I can at least get a D in AP Euro...

Grandpa Ed

I was listening to a conversation that my parents were having about their dads (with have both already died) as we drove home from Canada today. And I found out something that changed my opinion a little bit about my Grandpa Ed.

See, he had six kids (my mom and her five brothers) and a wonderful, but rather afraid wife. He was a Detroit cop, served in the military, and definitely a straight laced guy. Up into this point, I've hated him. I haven't really met the man, he died when I was two. But I hated him just the same.

He was an abusive alcoholic who made his wife afraid, screwed up his eldest son, and did countless other things. My grandmother is amazing, and to think that someone treated her like he did for forty years just about kills me. He also gave her emphysema, she never smoked a day in her life, but he sure did.

His family don't acknowledge this too much. Only good memories really get mentioned, or things that don't involve him. Until now, I wrote him off as all bad. Because in my world, you do that to someone, and you don't get forgiven.

But then I learned that he could draw.

Why does this change anything? It's the first time I felt connected to him. No one else in my family is remotely artsy but me.

So I listened to my mom's stories a bit more, and gave it some thought. He wasn't all bad, all the time. He was still horrible, but I have begun to realize that just because he was horrible, it doesn't mean that he made their lives horrible. Only parts of it. He wasn't all evil.

I still hate him. But at least now he's finally family.

Picnic

I've wanted to go on a picnic forever. So I am today, with Nate. Granted, it's also 60 degrees and wet out. Not what I was hoping for.

But I did find a picnic basket my parents got for a wedding present. It's still unopened, and my parents have been married almost 20 years. Jeez.

But I'm hoping that eating in the rain is fun. We'll see!

Getting Angry

Okay, I don't get mad that often. I don't get mad sometimes even when people deserve it. But I'm mad right now.

How can you go and change something right before it's due? That's horrible! I already have some of the QB stuff done (which is weird for me) and now Peter changes it? Ergh!!! He had ALL summer to change it! Plus a couple weeks before that! And he waits until it's a week and a half before school starts?

I am not happy right now. Not happy one bit. I asked earlier if that's all he wanted me to do. Back in June, actually. And apparently that was.

Now, he cuts what I have done, and gives me something else. Really? Really?

I have a ridiculous amount to do. Yes, part of it is because I waited until August. But I'd be busy without him switching it on me. I'm glad he didn't change the part I did in June too.

I don't even have time to be blogging right now. ERRRR!!! I feel like ripping him apart with my teeth.

(P.S. I'm sorry if you love Peter, but he's pissing me off right now)

I'm an Annoying Teenage Driver

I'm a teenager. With a driver's license. It's about time!

My schedule is pretty cool. Not necessarily easy, but cool. I have Bryen for four classes. Well three, but AP Euro is two semesters so... But I can't wait! Yeah, it's hard and I have a lot of shit to do before school even starts. But that doesn't mean it won't be the best year ever.

Plus I can drive. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Who I Am

Adolescence is supposed to be about finding your identity and your role in the world. We're supposed to decide on careers, plan for our futures, and utilize our education to prepare ourselves for the road ahead. At least that's what everyone tells us.

But how can I do that when there's so little I've seen and experienced? I keep thinking that I know myself pretty well. But I'm not so sure I do.

As time goes on, there's events or experiences that'll happen that sometimes change my opinion of things. And sometimes I'll change my mind back to the original idea, sometimes I won't.

But if I keep changing my mind and my principles, how do I ever actually find out who I am?

I feel like I keep losing myself as life gets more complex and serious. In this crazy world, I'd love for something to be realible, but apparently it won't be me that is.

Adjectives

I love adjectives, I use them excessively in my writing and conversation. They're just fun.

But when people ask me how Japan was, I draw a blank. They're looking for a couple words, maybe a sentence on the topic. I think I could write a book on all my opinions on different aspects of Japan.

If I'm being honest, Japan wasn't all good, and it wasn't all bad.

The food there was a challenge for me. Naturally I'm a picky eater, but I went ahead and tried most of the foods that I came in contact with. Most of the things were okay, but I did end up sick a couple times during the trip, plus I began to miss American food. I had some issues with the slimy texture of the food. Plus I missed fruit and vegetables (they are very expensive in Japan due to lack of land).

It was relatively easy to get around Japan. Most signs are in Japanese and English, plus I had a set of translators (my Japanese friends) to help me out.

I was surprised by a lot of things.

• How crazy some of the people dress there, puts any "original" people here to shame, it's awesome.
  
• How much people are judged by appearances there.
  
• Some classic sexism straight from 1950s America in regards to expectations of women (it took a lot not to complain).
  
• The amazingly high tech toilets. And the annoying squat toilets.

All in all, I think I learned a ton about another culture. Things I wouldn't realize or learn otherwise. I could totally pass a Japanese culture course. But no so much the language part. Yo puedo hablar espanol y ingles solemente.

It was crazy different and fun and full of new experiences. I'll definitely be back. But I'm glad to be home.

The Moment I Realized

I was in a ryokan in Nara off the side of a mountain, staring out on the night cityscape. Some couple passed by me, hand in hand, and I realized that it would be nice to have someone to share it with. That's when I realized that I love him.

It Happened in Tokyo

So it's finally dawning on me how awesome it is to be able to say that I'm in Tokyo. But other things have dawned on me too.

Like the fact that my family and I speak like five words of Japanese. Thankfully, we have two more days and the rest of the trip is with our Japanese friends, so we're okay then. And a lot of signs are in English. Without that, we'd be screwed over so badly...

And going to the bathroom is a new experience. Every time I go to a new one, it's a matter of choosing which button flushes versus using the bidet or heating the seat or something. It's crazy and high tech and kinda fing awesome.

That I'm in the biggest city in the world, but it's incredibly safe. And I think I've figured out why. They're too damn busy to commit crimes

But Japan is awesome.

Lots of Stuff!

So there's been a lot going on lately.

I unpacked from camp, said goodbye to Nate (whom I may love?), got my wisdom teeth pulled, took lots of drugs, baked cookies for my friends at camp, went to a funeral home, and now I need to pack for Japan. All in a week...

Andrea, since I believe your friends with Aidan...his grandpa died on Monday, that's why I went to the funeral home.

And what does one bring to Japan? What does one bring back?

Why Dr, House is Addicted to Vicodin

I had my four wisdom teeth taken out today. I don't remember much except the nice falling asleep during surgery, and again on the way home. I do remember receiving five different prescription drugs I am now supposed to use. They include a mouthwash, a steroid to relieve swelling, a high does of ibuprofen, penicillin, and finally, Vicodin.

First I took the ibuprofen, but I've already been taking it since last week for my ankle. Despite the does being six times my normal dose, it didn't help much.

So I took the damn Vicodin. I am proud to announce I will never develop the addiction House has, that's for sure. Yes, you get an initial high, which is kinda nice. But eventually you get to the point where you question whether or not it's even worth it to take the Vicodin.

I have a very, very strong stomach. The stuff has brought me to my knees every time I've taken it today. But I need it right now. The four other drugs plus ice packs just don't help enough.

Also, I can't stand more than a minute without getting woozy and having to stop. I researched the side effects, and there are a ton of other nasty ones.

But I understand why House would get addicted. I understand why someone in genuine pain 24/7 could. You need it. Side effects or not, it's the magic that can keep you functioning semi-normally until the pain goes away.

I don't particularly like Vicodin. I've only been taking a quarter of my recommended dose. But I know enough now to understand why it can be good.

What Exactly One Does At Camp

So everytime a person (usually an adult) finds out about my summer camp, the following question proceeds. "Oh, so what do/did you do there?" I find this question stupid. Most adults know what goes on at summer camp. Swimming, playing games, doing arts and crafts, etc. So that's what I tell them.

Of course, that's not all that happens at camp. But it's the only part we can tell the adults about without them getting concerned.

I can't mention the thrill of successfully pantsing my counselor. Or seeing the cute twelve year old couples slow dancing awkwardly and sharing a blanket at campfires. My first time hoof picking a horse's back hooves. Twisting my ankle three times in a week, but being able to claim being the only person to play Misson Impossible on crutches.

What I really did at camp this summer?

• Have feasts in the cabin despite the fact we aren't supposed to have food in the cabin.
• Play crazy card games that involve dead dictators.
• Discussing the best make out spots in camp. (the walk in refrigeration room, anyone?)
• Making jokes about your mother
• Taking pictures that you wouldn't want your grandmother to see
• Ranting about religion and politics and why Americans can be dumbasses
• Pants people
• Be pantsed.
• Twist my ankle three times
• Bitching about who has to scoop ice cream
• Going to see the new HP movie
  
• Five way spooning at campfire.
• Be generally perverted and inappropriate 24/7
  

From now on, adults who ask me what I did at camp, I will simply refer them to this blog entry. Then again, maybe not, as I will be considered a bit of a pervert. Oh well. Lying works too.

Happiness

To be free of burden is wonderful. To be free of everything is tragic.

I feel wonderful.

I feel like that crazy chick that thinks she can fly. Does anyone care to join me?

Lessons Learned, Opposite Feelings

This summer was supposed to be my last summer at camp. It was always going to be the streaky faced goodbyes and emptiness.

But I've never felt so full. I had a camp experience free of drama and boy troubles. I have memories and pictures and friends. It was my perfect ending, but it also made me realize that I'd be welcome to come back as staff next year.

I learned that I can draw people again. I have my fitness and my klutziness back. I feel much more whole than before camp, I guess it's because camp is a place where I've been bad and I've been good. Some old qualities are falling back into place.

I fell out of love at camp this year. I relearned myself without that boy and the ones before him.

Everything I thought was a big deal won't be in the long run. I have time to plan futures, travel the world, meet people. For right now, I have time to be myself. Not obsess about the future.

Be myself. <3

Off the Addiction

I am going computer free for the next couple weeks. Mostly because I have camp, but also because I'm sick of it. I'm on it too much. Like, way too much.

I have loved ones all coming in on Saturday, and a ton of packing and great books and a brother coming home who will desire the computer anyways.

So buh bye. I'm hoping my withdrawal symptoms will be minimal.

Hiding Behind Religion Rant

I see Facebook bible quotes on many Christians' Facebooks. Some of them I know to be good people that truly believe in these quotes. Many have huge hearts and will help anyone.

But there are some that just don't seem to understand their religion. What religion preaches drinking and law breaking and promiscuity? Where is it said that people should be judged superficially? Where does it say that killing someone is okay as long as you wear your crucifix at all times?

Now, there might be a religion that mentions this being okay. I'm just not aware of it.

Sure, you may repent your sins in Judaism and Christianity. But blatantly going against the beliefs you claim to live by daily?

That's just wrong.

Yeah, I'm as human as everyone else, and I tend to mess up more. And if you're going to sleep with many people and smoke odd things, that's fine. It's your life.

But please don't try and claim that you follow such and such a religion when you so blatantly violate it every day.

At least take down the Bible quotes that you "live by". You aren't fooling anyone.

7/8/09

Just wanted to point out the date. Kinda cool. Especially at 4:56am/pm. It won't happen again for 1,000 years!

Licensed Driver...ALMOST

So I spent the latter half of this long weekend doing a crash course in parallel parking. (Thankfully I didn't actually crash into anything) Then I ended up stressing myself out because I can parallel park in real life, but not for the road test.

Safe to say, I screwed up parallel parking a bit, I had to redo it so I got a minor deduction. But my tester was awesome, he was so chill...I relaxed. And I actually passed!

Of course, today happens to be a furlough day for all State of Michigan employees (AKA, they give them extra vacation in attempt to lower the state budget), so I can't get my actual license until tomorrow.

But EEEEEEEEE!!!

Did You Get Your Protein Today?

I have found a new source of protein. It seems to be common in many countries, but not this one. I discovered it one day while bike riding at near dark. Bugs.

Since I go on rather long bike rides, I prefer to do it at night when it's cooler. The lovely bugs like to come out then. Many seem to think it is a good idea to fly into my mouth. As a result, I have eaten many flying insects (mostly mosquitoes) lately.

As good for me as these little creatures may be I think I still prefer animals with four or less legs, instead of six. But chocolate covered crickets do sound interesting.

Quick College List

I just want to get the oftentimes unwanted advice given to me by my friends and family of where to go to college.

Dad: Schoolcraft. (Thanks for having faith in me)

Nate: Georgia Tech or Savannah School of Art and Design (Nope, not going to a college just because it's the one you're going to/next to the one you're going to. Sorry.)

Grandma: Harvard Med School. (Let's be realistic, shall we?)

Garrett: Michigan State. (Just because you love the Spartans and you can't get in...)

Steve: Clown School (No comment.)

Uncle Phil: U of M (Good architecture school, he claims)

Aunt Jan: U of M (She works there, she's biased)

Clearly, it's bad to take advice from everyone I've asked so far. I'm not asking anymore. Because I would make a horrible clown. And I'd probably fuck up being a doctor too.

Those Little Reminders...

So first reminder is this.

Second reminder is to myself to do all those QB presentations soon. Has anyone else started?

Third, get those AP Lang books.

Fourth is actually a commentary about reminders. Since it's summer, there have been a pleathora of reminders of summer camp. That it is only a week and a day away. That I have spent parts of summer there since I was 10. Finally, that it is my last year.

I never have enough time at camp. Ever. Compounded with this last year thing...ugh! I'm dreading going because it means that it'll be over that much quicker. And summer will be.
Reality will set in, and let's be frank, reality sucks.

So let's be clear: those nice summer breezes, swimming, the smell of rain; instead of enjoying all these things, I choose to associate them with memories yet to be created of a place I will soon leave. Which in turn makes me think about school, the future, and college. Despite the fact I haven't even returned to camp yet.

Man, that's messed up.

This Kind of Weather

So it's gray out. And drizzyly. And windy. It's like autumn or a warmer day of winter. The first days of July should not be like this!

But they are.

And this weather normally reminds me of lots of things. Flannel and new books and teardrops and fuzzy blankets and bear hugs. I love the grayness when it's supposed to be there. I can be warm and lazy and literary.

But now? It just makes me want to throw something.

Can I have the grayness come again another day pretty please?

I Love My...Walrus?

Please ignore the title, it doesn't seem to make that much sense to what is going on in my head. Not the walrus part anyways.

So I once read that relationships are good prevention for people with depression. Prevention of symptoms, I'm assuming. But sometimes other people are the cause of that depression. So this seems more dangerous than helpful.

Then I wonder what the article meant by "relationship". Family members, friends, romantic relationship, what? I think they must just mean in general.

But when relationships have the opposite effect on people, it can just be scary. When someone's only keeping it together for one person in his or her life. If that person dies, or betrays them, then what happens?

I mean, that's the same thing abusers try to do in relationships. Separate the abused from everyone else, so they are dependent on the abuser alone.

I guess my point is...one person shouldn't be your life. I think this lesson is more a warning to myself.

College is Going to Kill Me

I just recently got my ACT scores back. They're not as high as I wanted, but they could be much worse too. So I started looking at colleges I could get into with this score. And I'm a bit surprised as to what I could get into.

So then I decided to try to pare down college choices by looking at majors. Which is a whole different ballgame. And I ended up pretty much where I started. I think....that I am going into architecture. Which means that I'll be doing A LOT of math. Yuck. I'll get over that.

So this helped, because there aren't all that many colleges that have architecture schools.

But, all these choices, all these decisions, it's going to kill me. I obsess too much about it.

I've been losing sleep over it. I'll probably have a crazy breakdown from all the pressure I put myself through.

I really look forward to a great future. I know that I won't fall flat on my face. But if I want a great future, I feel all this pressure to figure it out now. And I'm not so sure I can make all the decisions I need to. I already messed myself up in math.

Maybe college won't kill me. But there's a chance the pressure will.

People in My Life

So there are people in my life, believe it or not. And some of them are small parts of it, some larger parts. Many I've treated poorly at one time or another. Some have treated me poorly back. But the majority still seem to like me.

Honestly, I can't really understand why. There's just so many annoying aspects about me. I mean, I can annoy myself. I'm sure that there are good things too. It's just the annoying seems to outweigh the good.

Sometimes I think how calming it would be to live alone and spend my days with myself and a pet. But that's be really lonely. So I suppose that I'll just try to keep the people I have.

So, thank you to whomever is in my life for tolerating me at my best or my worst. And if you can't? Then just go away.

MJ's Death

I was actually just starting to appreciate Micheal Jackson too. It's hard to get past the surgeries and the weird behavior but I like his music just the same.

I think, being so young, I can understand how big he really was. But through all the Micheal-Jacksoness he had, there was a lot of musical talent. And it's a shame that he died so young. It is when anyone dies young and so sudden. I wish his family well.

He was great. He still is loved. He will always be a little weird.

Rest in Peace.

Late Nights

I've heard it many time before that nothing can happen after [insert time here] at night. But I adore those late nights. The time I get to myself in the wee hours of the morning are when some of my favorite books have be devoured, when sketchbooks have been finished, when crazy dreaming occurs.

The exhausted day that follows is a reminder of just how good it was. It's one of the few naughty things in my life, stealing those hours for myself.

Of all the bad decisions I've made, and absurd things I've said, I sound like a nutty person. And this entry may be additional proof, since it's after 1:30 AM.

(Andrea, I know you hate Facebook, but you're in some recent pictures if you'd like to see them, lemme know.)

Anything.

Today, I was invited by an old camp counselor of mine to an event via Facebook. Now, this event was something a little unlike most. It wasn't a birthday party or anything. But a fundraiser. Not just any old fundraiser. One involving the waxing of this man's entire body in order to raise money for him to go to some prestigious New York acting school.

I've heard of shaving half your head to raise money for charity. Or half a beard. Or even waxing a chest. An entire body is a new one for me.

Plus, he already went to a good Welsh school for acting. If he cannot get a job in it after four years...

I don't know. People will do anything sometimes.

Hi

Summer's almost here. That's awesome.

The Not Epic... but still pretty interesting ACT Test

So I took the ACT test today at CC. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, in fact, I sort of enjoyed it towards the end. Because I do, in fact enjoy standardized testing. But also because the following things happened during/after the test:

• A guy spilled water all over himself in the middle of the writing portion. That was quite funny.
• Some girl passed out in the middle of the test. I keep wondering why.
• Another one broke her leg during a break. How she did this? I'm not sure. Probably from running to the bathroom during our five minute break. (We had quite a distance to get to and back)
• The fire alarm was pulled just as we finished the last part of the test. It was a welcome exit.

And then of course I spent the rest of the day with Nathan. It was great, but my feet hurt. Oh, and I tried squid. I gagged. So, in short, I do not like squid very much. At least not squid sushi.

Awesome Saturday, alright. Now, I must go out for ice cream.

The Virginity Thing

Basically, a woman who is found to be not a virgin before marriage can be killed by her male family, as she is a disgrace to them.

Often times though, she was either raped or her hymen was torn through everyday life (running, biking, etc.).

The virginity thing: the obsession with unmarried girls staying pure, and killing or hurting them if they aren't. There are also several "techniques" to "encourage" virginity.

It's one thing to say "hey, don't have sex until you're married. It's a sacred thing." But this seems to take it a little far, don't you think?

Also:
Acid attacks
Female Genital mutilation
Infibulation

Ehh...Judging?

I've been trying to judge myself and people lately. Not, oh her shoes are so fabulous! She's got great taste! But more...what is it about this person that makes me want them in my life?

And I've come up with a range of answers. Not a lot of them fit what I was going for.

Maybe it's because people in general are annoying me lately. I'm not sure.

But I wonder how some of my relationships with people happened. Were they close by, was it a proximity thing? Did we happen to sit next to each other once in class because of mutual solitarity?

I've never been great with this social thing. People at their best can often be annoying. Psht, I know I am. Maybe it's just finding the annoying that morphs into eccentric; the kind of people that aren't annoying to you so much as endearing.

Slacking in First Block

So what do I end up doing during my first block? Not sleeping or ACT prep like I had planned. No. Instead I ended up feeling horrible for the two American journalists trapped in Korea. And then I ended up reading about human rights and feeling horrible for the women in Yemen, and in general most Arabic countries. And some African ones, etc.

It's hard for me to imagine the strength surviving abuse and imprisionment must take. I'm...kind of speechless about it actually. I mean...how can this even be happening today?

How the fuck can the age of consent law in Yemen be NINE YEARS OLD?

It's horrible. It's not right. I wish I had the power to change this.

Pickels and Faking Sick

The last half of my weekend was nice. A little boring for others to hear about, but nice. So my brother's friend Aidan and his sisters found out I have Sims 3. And they all came over and argued about who got to use it first.

And Monique and Juliette and I had fun like old times when we were smaller. Which makes me kind of miss those days. They enjoyed learning about purple carrots. Apparently I'm awesome because I can french braid hair and I have cool beads. Praise from an eleven year old makes me happy. I wish I had little sisters. Plus, I ended up french braiding Aidan's hair, which was hilarious and made me wish I took a picture.

And also, we ended up spelling pickle "pickel" because we're awesome and that's how their last name is spelled. Romeo and Juliette Pickel, what great names.

Today, I faked my migraine to be worse than it really was so that I could miss church. It just was one of those days that I couldn't face God. So I didn't. And I rode 20 miles. I got lost in my own city, one that I've lived in since birth. So now I cannot feel my legs and it's never been more awesome.

And lastly, I think I may be starting to fall in love again. That's really weird to actually be aware of it this time. It seems to be a little bit more awesome too.

So that was boring for everyone but me. I hope the world had a great weekend!

Adventures at Blimpie Burger

So today, through a random course of events, I ended up at Blimpy Burgers with Nathan and his family. For those who don't know what it is, it's basically this old burger dive in Ann Arbor. It's this really great hole in the wall place.

It's a tiny little building with a ton of people (at least on a Saturday afternoon) and you get yelled at if you order wrong. Thankfully I didn't, because I studied ahead of time. Yes, that's incredibly nerdy. But I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.

But the insanely greasy burgers are good (at least the veggie one I had), and there's nothing better than eating a ton of cholesterol between two slices of bread with little kids climbing on your chair. Nothing better. Plus it's in Ann Arbor, which is truly a magical place. Where else would it take three days to make onion rings?

The Simple Complexity of Humans

So I've been thinking about people. Not a specific person so much as the species as a whole and their relationships with one another.

People are supposed to be different for their "complexity" compared to other species. I'm not sure if scientists have that so right. Many insect and animal populations have specific socialization patterns that are literally ingrained into their genetics. Such as the bees' queen bee, worker bee, etc. pattern. This such hierarchy is set up for the survival of the colony. I can understand that.

But what about humans? Yes, we have certain chemicals and hormones letting us know the most desirable mate and that we should reproduce. But otherwise don't think there is a whole lot of natural predisposition.

Human relationships are so complex and varied, I don't believe that they can just be predetermined. Each person's interactions with others lead to different opinions of that person. There may be some primal attraction or repulsion, but at the end of the day, individual minds are victorious. Not too many people (hopefully) find their best friend or fall in love based solely on pheromones.

This is starting to sound too sciency, and way not the point. So basically, here it is. Every group of people have different reactions with one another. Within these relationships, feelings and bonds form that are much more complicated than simply hate, friendship, love, attraction, etc. People's ideas of one another often shift over time and I think that the situation the people are in and their personalities affect their relationship. Not a bunch of chemicals in their bodies.

The complexity is that we will never have enough words to accurately describe each relationship we go through in life, especially as they become more multifaceted the longer we know a person. The simplicity is that in the end, it is all just up to us.

Sims 3

So the long awaited Sims 3 has arrived. I played it for quite a while. Four hours I believe, since I kinda got distracted by it and I was home alone. It's good, but disappointing too. I'm not so sure it's worth the price. Glad I got it as a birthday present instead.

Andrea: It works just fine on Vista, that's actually one of the benefits considering my Sims 2 kept getting semi-rejected by Vista.

Emaline: I think I just built it up too much. The graphics weren't as great as I hoped, and the file size is so big. It's pretty much like Sims 2 with a couple changes.

Those Days

My grandmother was bipolar. But by the time she died, there were a host of other things wrong with her as well. Some were side effects of her meds, some were from smoking, a complusion she developed as her mental illness got worse. When she died, she wasn't much older than my parents are now. But at least she was out of her misery.

On days like today and yesterday, I worry about becoming just like her. A generally happy state with some horrible days, that's what I tend to do. If I really am like her, the up and down days might even out. Or they might get worse.

As overdramatic as it seems, I do have a higher risk of being depressed or bipolar because of my grandma. Most days I think this theory is nuts. But on the days when suicide comes into my thoughts? Yeah, I can believe it.

I'm hoping all this emotional crap is just teenage angst and hormones. I hope.
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Those days when I'm like this, all the little worries get heightened, and all I can think about is how painful they could turn out. The rational part tells me that my problems are small, and I am extremely fortunate to be where I am in the world, in my family, my house, my city, my country. Yet I still sob for the existance of those problems at night on these days.

"Oh woe is me...oh woe is me..." Weighs out the rational.
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I can't even summon up the needed excitment for Sims 3. It should be a YAY! But it's more of a meh.

This Weekend

So this weekend involved me crashing into people on bikes, twice. First was a ride with a friend whom I will not name because she'd be embarrassed, where she slammed into my back tire and face planted into a ton of weeds. It was actually pretty hilarious once I found out that she was okay. That's what happens when your breaks don't work and your friend in front of you doesn't tell you to stop soon enough.

The second was totally my fault. Basically I turned left when Nathan said right. This lovely error resulted in a broken reflector and a sore foot. It could have been much worse. Thank goodness he isn't a klutz like me.

These two incidents both happened on my first bike rides with them. Which confirms the fact that I probably shouldn't bike ride with others. I am so klutzy, I now bring others down with me.

Other than the crashes, this was a great weekend, it went by fast. It confirms how great summer is gonna be.

Estoy feliz

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Yay!

In the Mail...

I got an envelope today addressed to me from my summer camp. It was the big packet of papers I get every year informing me of rules and recommendations that I have long since memorized.

But I began to skim them anyways, because I feel the need to see if anything as changed. Plus, it brings back these dreamy little memories...

And then it hit me. Summer is close. As in fourteen school days left close.

With summer comes a couple weeks at camp. But this year it's different. It's my last year. Half of my friends there had their last summer this previous year. Which makes me feel a bit lonely, a bit sad.

The entire camp knows my secrets of what happened there; the entire world knows some of it, since I have a big mouth.

As we count down the days, I have to remember than school is safe, I'm protected there by the innate social rules and structure that every high school seems to obey. It's at camp where the spirits are released, and all hell breaks loose.

P.S. My Sims 3 has been shipped! SQUEE!

Procrastination and Stuff

There's so much I should be doing right now. And the worst thing is that I don't care. I'll still have an A in all those classes. And it isn't as if I've learned anything in them either.

Even in math when I'm fighting getting a C, I still just don't care enough. It's recently dawned on me that I'm fully capable of getting an A in math classes if I try hard enough. Because believe it or not, I'm relatively good at math compared to the general population. I just hate it. A lot.

And ugh. This post is pointless.

And I'm freaking out. Never have I been so glad to get the week over with.

Oh, and my brother might have swine flu. This would happen to me.

I'm Curious

I've been thinking about this maybe a whole thirty seconds, but I can't help wondering what it is like in other people's heads.

Yes, there are many people that speak their thoughts. But being in their heads would be different. Knowing their memories and emotions and why they are thinking the thoughts they are.

Of course, I won't necessarily ever be able to really know what it's like. Unless reincarnation is real, and then I guess I'd still be me. So that doesn't count. But I have a theory. Perhaps if you know someone well enough, or you find someone similar enough to your own mind, you will have a pretty good reason of understanding them. Or if you just find someone who talks a hell of a lot and you pay close enough attention.

I've come close to really knowing the mind of one other person, and still there is so much I do not know. And that I probably never will. But I hope that I know at least the most important things.

Details are important too of course, but knowing why someone chooses to eat peanut butter and pickle sandwiches over peanut butter and potato chip seems slightly less important than why they want to be able to travel to space or make up with their mother. But that's just my opinion.

This is my goal before I die. To understand at least some of the great minds around me.

Jódete La Gripe Porcina

The title translates to "fuck yourself, swine flu," in case you were wondering.

Today is a day for a lot of cursing, and a lot of complaining. A kid in our school has been found to have the swine flu, as of yesterday. If school gets shut down for any length of time due to "sanitizing the school" or shit like that, I'm gonna be fucking pissed. I want summer, and damn them for delaying it.

And sorry for the amount of swearing, I know it shows an uncreative and slow mind and all that stuff, but I'm mad, and forgive me for not feeling like pulling out abhorrent and homicidal and whatnot. Give me $%@$*&#$#%@!!!! Instead.

This f****** sucks.

Facebook Survey on Blogger.

Because I'm just that cool.

THE LONG & UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY
(Lets see if you can get through it.)

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.
Name: Michelle
Birth Date: 3/11
Current Location: the kids' room/a la funky basement thing
Hair Color: brown with pink and caramel topping. Yum!
Righty/Lefty: righty, desafortunadamente

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: failure
Your dream of the perfect date:um...something fun?
Goal you'd like to achieve: not epicly fail at life. Moseby someone
Your best friend: Bam-Bam, Lyss, and Dayna

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: do I have time to go back to sleep?
Your best physical feature: eyes?
Your bed time: when I feel like it
Your most missed memory: there's many. Quebec, Grandpa, Natsuki, and camp are all up there.

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Mickey D's
Single or Group Dates: I'll let you know when I go on one?
Adidas or Nike: adidas
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: ew. neither

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Cuss:Damn straight skippy!
Take showers: no, I just vaccum the dirt off.
Have a crush: sorta? haha
Like(d) school: Yeppers! (well, mostly)
Believe in yourself: If I keep saying yes, I'll believe it.
Believe what goes around comes around: that's karma!
Think you're a health freak: compared to Dayna. Otherwise, not really.

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: hahaha yes.
Been on stage: been on a stage. yeah. been on stage. no.
Eaten sushi: thank goodness, no
Been hurt: erm. I cut myself on a computer table at school. Does that count?
Dyed your hair: I glued fake hair in. That kinda counts, methinks.

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I've observed one
Got beaten up: not really. Unless you count being a klutz
Changed who you were to fit in: not really.

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you're hoping to be married by: 31
Number of kids you're planning on having: 2-3-4

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: a pretty one
Best hair color: haha whatever works.
Short or long hair: ?
Fat or fit: fit
Looks or personality: both
Fun or serious: both

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: shimmying
1 HOUR AGO: IMing
1 WEEK AGO: at church
1 YEAR AGO: IMing before I went to the Sawyers

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: stupid and smiley
I HATE: your mother. and Mussolini. And Hitler wasn't a nice guy either.
I HIDE: from you!
I NEED: a date.
I LOVE: my friends!

What is a food that you'd hate to be allergic to?
strawberries

What color was the last towel you used?
purple

Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you?
taller!

When was the last time your nose bled?
a couple weeks ago

How old are you turning this year?
16. driver's license! age of consent! other things!

What is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?
baby carrots or rasinets

Swimming pool or hot tub?
swimming hot tub. A rare hybrid.

What body part do you wash first in the shower?
hair

Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day?
probably no one. God does all the time though, I suppose.

Name your last reason for using a camera?
taking pictures of a rare family party

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
Allison's shoulder on the bus

What are you excited about?
summer! Japan! camp (field hockey/QB/horseback riding)!

Seven days from now, will you be in a relationship?
I'm assuming yes.

Are you a happy person?
yeppers!

When was the last time you laughed really hard & why?
Probably at the banquet today. Because Mr. Baker can be funny.

What are you wearing?
jeans. a sweater. and other things.

What do you want?
no comment

Did you enjoy your weekend?
long weekend? of course!

Do you regret anything you've done recently?
not at the moment

Is there anybody you wish you could see?
yep. yep.

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
erm. one, two, three, four? Four, I think.

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
well...possibly so. Perhaps in 15 years.

What makes you mad most about girls?
the rah-rah ones. And OHMIGOD! SHE IS SUCH A BITCH!!! That makes me mad.

Have you ever been given roses?
yep yep.

Do you even like getting flowers?
yeah. It's sweet.

What's your favorite flower?
Tiger lillies and hydrangeas are up there.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
That's a good question. Um? Ask me in three months. Possibly.

Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
nope. I can always blackmail them with photos.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
I just did. Do I really look that bad?

Can you be your complete self around the person you like?
Well. I may scare him, but he keeps coming back, so I suppose.

Whose the first person you texted today?
I didn't text anyone today.

Would you move to another state to be with the person you loved?
Yes.

What are you doing tomorrow?
school, sleep, and watching movies since I get the house to myself.

Is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated?
Not too much.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yeah. I wanna live all the fun stuff to pieces.

Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?
I wouldn't be a good husband. I am not a male.

What's your favorite kind of ice cream?
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Do you like summer?
YES!

Do you fall for people easily?
maybe too easily.

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
mhm. shhh...

Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?
no one?

Do you have freckles?
I wish I had more.

Do you sleep at night?
night. afternoons. during school.

Those People

There are some people in your life that I believe are in it for a reason. They aren't always the most predominantly featured, and sometimes they leave it, but regardless they have affected you in some way.

I have met some people once, but still think of them on occasion. People that come up in my thoughts more so than some people I see everyday.

And there have been many people that have changed me, or my views on something. But, I trust them and respect what they think, so I think that it's okay.

For all the people that have shaped me, and let me say there really aren't more than a handful, thank you. I like who I am.

This Long Weekend

This weekend marks the unofficial beginning of summer, but I'm pretty sure it started long ago to many people, just like myself.

And I say a lot that this summer holds possibilities. This weekend does too. And I've already mentioned many of them.

But with my pink streaked, powerwashing self attempts putt-putt and reunits with family members this weekend, I hope everyone has a good one. Because I hope to.

Some of this weekend may impact parts of my life forever. Let's hope it's not that damn dramatic.

Happy Memorial Weekend/Start of Summer!

I'm Proud of You

I'm proud of my father. He recently got roped into being videotaped for a course he is the creator of. It means driving hours to the filming site, learning how to use a teleprompter, and a lot of practice. But instead of bitching about it like I would, he's taking it in stride. Yes, he's been stressed and nervous all week, but it made him work harder at it.

I wish I had his work ethic. I inherited everything else from him. The tan forearms, the man legs, the liberal values, the predisposition to writing.

I'd like to not be so lazy. Sure, I could develop my own work ethic, but...that requires work.

So, I'm proud of you Dad. Workaholic or not, no one can say you're lazy. Unless it comes to housework, but that's a different story.
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May I just take this moment to admit that I have some sense of emotion back, and my delightfully irritating happiness back? This calls for a YAY!

I Hate This Part Right Here...

Yes, I stole the title from a PCD song. And I hate them. But it seemed fitting.

Life right now is swinging in pendulum. And I hate it. There's not really anything I can do to change anything right now. I just have to be patient and wait for the weekend to be over. But I don't want it to end.

This week means facing problems. Things that haven't come up for more than four years. It means a lot of housework. It means even more teenage angst.

I don't want to deal with my:

• telenovela
• uncle
• crazy relationship with my ex
• odd relationship with my current whatever.

I mean, most of these things I can push out of the way, and that's just fine. But they keep bubbling up again to haunt me. And all I'm asking for is some closure. I've had that with some of this, and then I lost it again.

How the hell can I be Obamaish if nothing in my life can be changed?

Survey Time!

What do you consider some perks of being your gender? pretty clothes, not being called "gay" for being myself, not being a homophobe, ponytails, best friends, field hockey, etc.

Would you ever get a tattoo with someone's name on it? No,I don't even think I'd get a tattoo

What occupation do you find sexy? um...?

Would you ever get your nipples pierced? No. Never.

What is your LEAST favorite type of alcohol? Beer.

Did you ever have tea parties when you were younger? Yep!

Have you ever shaved someone before? No comment.

Do you know anyone personally who is terminally ill? erm. sorta. Not really.

What is your favorite line from a movie? "As you wish"

Would you rather be the opposite sex? on occasion

Do you like spending time with your parents? mostly

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? either call the cops or hit the guy, depending on if I could take him. And yell a lot.

Have you ever gambled? I've made a couple bets. Nothing over 10 bucks.

What would you NEVER name one of your children? Atlas. Roberta. Bertha.

What is the coolest restaurant you've ever been to? The Spaghetti Factory in Montreal, Banff, and Boston

Do you have any analog clocks in your house? Yep.

What do you do with clothes you've outgrown or don't want anymore? Donate them or use as cleaning rags.

Where do you go when you want to get a REALLY good sub sandwich?
Penn Station Subs

What is the lowest grade you ever received on a report card?
C

How often do you go to the bathroom in a day? erm. I'm not sure. Would someone care to stalk me and see?

Do you use tobacco products? Of course not.

What magazine do you read or look through most often? Girls' Life. Sad, I know.

Do you support local music/artists? Artists, yes. Music, on occasion.

What style of house would you like to live in? Victorian

Would you ever go a week without showering? If I got something really good out of it.

If your nails are painted, what color are they? A dark purple that basically looks black.

When you see a movie based on a book, do you go and read the book? Normally I read the book first.

Do you put posters on your bedroom walls? Yes.

Do you use iTunes or do you use another music player? iTunes

Do you flip the channel when commercials come on? Sometimes. Or sleep, or eat, or go on the computer.

Are there any really gross dishes in your bedroom? No.

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you? Absolutely.

What would you do if your parents caught you drinking? Kill me. Then bring me back to life to yell at me.

Have you seen any of the Saw movies? Thank goodness, no.

Do you watch any cartoons? Family Guy.

What was your favorite book as a kid? Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging. No, I am not lying.

Have you ever lost a houseor car key that you never found? Yep.

If you had lose one of your body parts what would it be? My...gallbladder. Or appendix.